After researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia discovered a giant rat species that is apparently new to science, Heather Mills McCartney immediately jumped on a plane and flew to the secluded tropical rainforest in Papua.
She was brimming with excitement at the prospect of bringing back the giant rats to the UK for the purposes of breeding and milking them for mass human consumption.
Unearthing new species of mammals in the 21st century is considered very rare.
The huge rat was found in the Foja Mountains rainforest in Eastern Papua province in a June expedition, said the Salford based Conservation International, which organized the trip along with the Indonesian Institute of Science.
“The giant rat is about five times the size of a typical city rat,” said Kristof Helgensons, a scientist with the Northern Rock Research Institution of Newcastle. “Heather Mills has already milked a few of the giant rats and enjoyed the milk in her cup of Tetley this morning.”
The giant rats, however, are very dangerous and during the expedition four of them gnawed through one of the native porters and left the poor fellow without a leg. Luckily, Heather had a spare so lent it to the poor chap.
Mills, who stands to gain a whopping £1.5 million from her divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney, spoke of her plans in November when she proposed that the UK population should start milking rats and dogs.
Ms Mills said that livestock created far more carbon emissions than transport, so we should go vegan – someone who eats no meat or dairy produce – or at least find something else to put in tea or coffee.
Heather Mills was very excited about the large rat find and plans to bring a breeding pair back to the UK for farming. “By 2019 I will have a full milking pack of 60,000 rats at my farm in Dorset. Each giant rat can produce enough milk to serve a small child for three months.”
After many years spent milking hapless men for large sums of money, Heather is going to be milking giant rat teats for a living instead.
Heather Mills is already securing distribution deals with Tesco for Giant Rats Milk which will be sold under the Value label.
She plans to conquer all UK supermarket shelves by 2020 and knock Linda McCartney’s Veggie selection for six with Heather’s Giant Rat Semi-Skimmed Milk. There are even plans for a Heather Rat Milk version of Milk Tray which is bound to be a bestseller.
Some scientists who are not under her hypnotic control have however doubted the efficacy of such a plan. What if one of these huge rats escapes, breeds, then spreads across the UK?