Elton John to be Banned

PINNER - England - Drama Queen Sir Elton John will be banned from all media and public appearances as of tomorrow.

Only One Cyclist Finishes Tour de France

PARIS - France - Out of 189 riders and 21 teams who started the Tour de France only one cyclist finished and won the yellow Jersey after everyone else's disqualification for drugs offences.

Disgraceful Paris Hilton £50 Million Inheritance Axed

LOS ANGELES - CA - Barron Hilton, the billionaire grandfather of Paris Hilton, has finally axed Paris Hilton inheritance after being appalled at her vile antics.

Dow Jones Head Rubbing Lice Epidemic

NEW YORK - Wall Street was inundated by a mass of traders rubbing their heads yesterday because of a lice infestation. Fumigators were called in before the closing bell to the relief of floor managers and traders.

Lindsay Lohan Leg Found on Malibu Beach

MALIBU - CA - A leg presumed to be that of a missing Lindsay Lohan was washed up on Malibu beach still with an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet attached. Officers from the Malibu Police force are fearing the worst.

All Children to be fingerprinted in schools

Schools are to get the Government's permission to fingerprint all pupils with a view to future microchipping.   Ministers will issue guidance telling them they have...

Snorkeling Holidays in the English Countryside

Tewkesbury - Gloucestershire - Forget the Maldives for your summer diving hols how about the English countryside? Now that 75% of the English countryside is under water, aquatic tourists from all over the world are flocking in droves for the unique experience.

Cash Payoff for Cash-for-Peerages Handshake

LONDON - England - No-one is to face charges after the 16-month cash-for-honours police inquiry.

Harry Potter is Dead

London, England - 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' the final installment of Bloomsbury publishing houses golden goose has laid its final precious egg.

Bush Wishing on Al Qaeda

WASHINGTON DC -- George W Bush, who is flailing in polls, losing in Iraq, losing in the senate, and is a 'lame duck' President, is wishing on another Al Qaeda attack so his popularity can go up a little bit.