Entire UK Population to be Branded

LONDON - England - The whole population and every UK visitor will be branded with an iron, a senior judge has said.

US Finally Reveals Plan for Iraq as Allies Retreat

WASHINGTON DC - On the eve of British forces finally backing away from American military tactics, a top US General has finally revealed a plan for Iraq.

Doctor Who Revives Davros and the Daleks

LONDON - England - Having assimilated everything human, Davros is back with a vengeance to enslave humanity with his evil vile rantings and faux propaganda networks of control.

Camilla Concert Huge Success

Gloucestershire - England - A tribute concert was held last night to celebrate the birthday of Her Royal Highness Camilla.

Thugs and Hoodies Terrified of Receiving ABC from Jacqui Smith MP

LONDON - England - The length and breadth of thug Britain is quivering in fear as terrified hoodie gangsters armed to the teeth are coming to terms with the prospect of receiving an Acceptable Behaviour Contract (ABC) from Jacqui Smith MP.

Only Five Pupils Fail to Gain ‘A Grades’ in UK A-Levels

LONDON - England - A-Level grades this year set another record and were up from 2006 where the 'A grades' were 98%. The year 2007, however, smashed all previous records with only 5 pupils failing in the whole country.

Record Number of Britons Leaving Sinking Ship UK for Better Life Abroad

LONDON - England - With the streets full of feral hoodies intent on violence, Eastern European criminal gangs, no police, horrible weather, the sky high expense of living in misery, overcrowded, overpopulated, high pollution and traffic, chavs, thousands of CCTV cameras and increasing Big Brother society - What is the point in staying in the UK any more?

Doherty Honoured by Queen at Buckingham Palace

LONDON - England - Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II honoured Pete Doherty with an MBE for his services to drug taking and avoiding arrest this afternoon.

Doherty Glad to be Back in Prison

LEYHILL PRISON - England - Pete Doherty is back in jail today. He is glad to be back in the UK prison system and proclaims the crack cocaine and heroin is actually much purer than the street.

No Paparazzi Attend Set-Up Paris Hilton Photo Op!

LOS ANGELES - CA - Only one person witnessed adult film actress Paris Hilton getting into her Bentley on Sunday night after attending a BBQ at a friend's house in Beverly Hills.