A CAVE - Pakistan Border Region - Senior Al Qaeda terrorists have heaped praise on President Barack Obama for taking America's economy back to the stone age and beyond.
WORD CUP 2016
LONDON - England - An unnamed celebrity who was not hacked by Rupert Murdoch's News of the World newspaper is to sue for not having their phone conversations hacked resulting in serious loss of celebrity credibility.
LONDON - England - When you experience pain, your only mission is to stop it as fast as possible.
WRC Rally Cup
LONDON - England - Questions, questions, questions. Like, why is it OK to be anti-Arab, anti-Muslim, anti-Christian, anti-Palestinian but as soon as anyone so much as says something vaguely critical about the Israeli government or Jewish people they are immediately silenced, told they are anti-semitic, and erased from all forms of media?
SCUNTHORPE - England - The BBC already has a replacement for the erstwhile fracas prone Jeremy Clarkson.
BEDWORTH - England - A hunt was underway today for a conman who outraged veterans by turning up to march in a Remembrance Day parade with an "impossible" array of medals.
CARMEL - USA - An antique dealer in Clint Eastwood's adopted town is furious after a prized wooden chair was shot up and ruined by the actor.
SARANSK - Russia - Gérard Depardieu has eaten the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, the Kremlin announced Saturday, after the French film star had a sudden hunger pang during an impromptu visit to escape a millionaires tax from his homeland.
WASHINGTON D.C. - USA - Melania Trump has revealed in a Hello magazine exclusive that the president has a problem with flatulence, especially during important meetings.
NEVADA - USA - President Obama has ordered the confiscation of much of Midwest America.
NEW YORK - USA - Police wearing helmets and carrying shields early on Tuesday began to clear the Wall Street financial district, where thousands of bankers and traders work.
LONDON - England - Ed Balls, the PM's closest ally, finally comes clean about his ferociously awful haircut and says the impact will last 15 years.
LONDON - England - The Soviet Chancellor of the Collectivized State Economy today triumphantly announced some astounding tax cuts for the peasants, proles and high ranking Soviet party officials.
LONDON - England - We must stop dilly dallying around. Brexit means Brexit. Leave means Leave. Repeal the 1972 European Communities Act Immediately.
IRELAND - Filming for Game of Thrones episode eight was halted momentarily after actor Peter Dinklage was eaten whole by a husky dog on set on Wednesday.
FLORIDA - USA - Eighties pop starlet, Bonnie Tyler, who can literally make paint peel with her voice, has been recruited to sing on a Caribbean cruise ship for the total eclipse which will take place on August 21.
PYONGYANG - N. Korea - Despotic communist leader, Kim Jong-un is no longer worshipped in North Korea by his people.
CHARLOTTESVILLE - USA - The removal of historical iconic statues, like General E. Lee are an affront to history and the story of the human condition.
BRUSSELS - Belgium - Jean Claude Juncker and his team have been caught spending 500,000 euros of EU taxpayers money on two months of luxury travel. But that's not the end of it..
WASHINGTON DC - USA - George W Bush on a Heathrow-bound presidential flight had to be dragged from his presidential chair and handcuffed after suffering an apparent mental breakdown in mid-air, it emerged yesterday.