Pete Doherty Angry over Winehouse Media Blitz

LONDON - England - Pete Doherty is angry and alone as he spits with venom the words of the newspapers that have now abandoned him.

Madonna Seen Flying with Commercial Airline to Cut Carbon Footprint

LONDON - England - Madonna was seen on a Transatlantic flight yesterday. In an age where stars travel in their own private jets, Madonna has made a concerted effort to cut down on her carbon footprint.

Philip Green Looks into Improving Slave Labour Sweatshop

ONE of Britain's richest men who is profiting from Asian workers paid less than £4 a day to make clothes for his latest Kate Moss range for Topshop, is looking to improve conditions in the grim factories.

Cheap Flights for Thousands – A One-Way Ticket to Skin Cancer

MAGALUF - Majorca - Thousands of British holiday makers are jetting off on cheap package holidays and to an early death.

US Forces Lose 190K Toothpicks in Iraq

WASHINGTON DC - America admitted yesterday it had lost 190,000 toothpicks and dental floss given to the Iraqi security forces.

Foot in Mouth Disease Returns to UK

SURREY - England - John Prescott has decided to return to Britain after a long absence of putting his foot in it. This time he is eager to piss more people off than he has already done previously.

Sightings of Great White Shark off Chinese Beach

FUJIAZHUANG BEACH - Dalian CHINA - Panic has swept through a crowded beach in North Eastern China when 78,000 Chinese bathers spotted a Great White Shark prowling the waters.

Elton John to be Banned

PINNER - England - Drama Queen Sir Elton John will be banned from all media and public appearances as of tomorrow.

Only One Cyclist Finishes Tour de France

PARIS - France - Out of 189 riders and 21 teams who started the Tour de France only one cyclist finished and won the yellow Jersey after everyone else's disqualification for drugs offences.

Disgraceful Paris Hilton £50 Million Inheritance Axed

LOS ANGELES - CA - Barron Hilton, the billionaire grandfather of Paris Hilton, has finally axed Paris Hilton inheritance after being appalled at her vile antics.