LONDON – England – The English newspapers over the weekend were all singing from the same script, this time with even more scare stories about Scottish independence.
“It’s almost like telling a child if he doesn’t stop jumping on that plank of wood or whatever they’re jumping on it will break or they’ll get a nasty splinter through their big toe,” an amused Scot from Glasgow said whilst looking at all the newspapers.
Here are some of the headlines from various publications:
Daily Mail: Huge Meteorite Will Fall On Glasgow Demolishing the Whole of Scotland and Increase the Cost of Scottish and English Mortgages and House Prices Will Drop to Nothing if the Scots Vote Yes
Daily Mirror: Ed Miliband Will Summon a Meteorite to Hit Scotland Shot From Gordon Brown’s Arse and the Cost of Deep Fried Mars Bars Will Rise by 2000% And Your Mortgage Too
The Sun: Two Breast Shaped Meteorites From the Planet Lusardi Will Hit Edinburgh Destroying the Whole of Scotland and the Queen Will Never Visit Again if You Vote Yes
The Daily Telegraph: Yippee the Tories Will be In Power Forever Now You Lousy Scottish Pikey Bastards Vote Yes
The BBC: How Are We Going to Get the Scots to Pay the TV Licence Fee Now It’s Hard Enough As it is?
The Times: Subscribe to See the Headline
Masterchef Magazine: A Giant Haggis Will Explode Over Scotland if there is a Yes Vote and there Will be No More Fish and Chips For You’se Lot
The Bible: On the Sixth Day there Shalt Be Fire and Brimstone Rushed From Heaven Spewed onto Scotland if They Sayeth Yes to thy Devil’s Freedom