"Let me show you to your room, sir"
BAGHDAD – Iraq – Why not treat yourself and your family to the wonderful sunny city of Baghdad this summer?
Baghdad is a beautiful bustling city where street vendors trade semtex alongside groceries.
Dine by the Tigris river as you watch the bodies floating past or how about an excursion to the nearby cities of Mosul and Tikrit?
Flights are cheap, some seats even going for free. If it’s cut price holidays you like, you could save yourself a packet by staying at one of our recommended hotels below.
1) The Al-Baghdadi (5 Star)
Situated in the building of the former Iraqi parliament, the hotel has no decorations whatsoever, or beds in the rooms. There is no room service and the bell boy shoots hotel visitors in the knee caps on entry. The lift just goes down to the basement. Anyone who writes a bad review on TripAdvisor gets an instant beheading. Enjoy your stay.
2) The Al Qaeda (5 Star)
This hotel will delight your senses in more ways than one. You will be regaled daily by someone in a mask shouting at you in Arabic through a megaphone at high volume. There are wonderful quiz competitions in the hotel bar every night where you will be quizzed about your knowledge of the Quran. If you get anything wrong, you will get a few bullets as a keepsake in your cranium.
3) The W (2 Star)
Cut price Baghdad stays for those pushed to spend those pennies don’t come cheaper than this place. Breakfast is usually served with a course of waterboarding conducted by CIA operatives, and a grapefruit stuffed in your eye. The restaurant has Freedom Fries as standard, in fact there’s nothing else on the menu.
4) The Bliar Boutique Hotel (1 Star)
Everything in this hotel is a lie. For example when you walk through the door, you may ask where the reception is. They will direct you to the fifth floor. It’s all part of the charm of course. Sunbeds in each room is a real bonus.
5) Hotel Bucca (4 Star)
An interesting stay in this prison, ahem, we mean hotel. You will be locked in your room for five days without food or water whilst having your genitals electrocuted as a special therapeutic massage type of thing, which is very big now in California. Once you pay your bill you will be locked away in another room indefinitely so bring a towel.
6) The Gusher Hotel (10 Star)
Everything in this amazing hotel is oil themed. In fact the hotel is built over a working oil field, and at night guests can see the oil spurts ejaculating into the sky in spectacular fashion. The staff are all dressed in Halliburton uniforms and the food is an exquisite blend of gourmet Americana and real crude oil served in a dirty oil barrel. This hotel is usually only frequented by very rich oil men and politicians so the price is inhibitive. Prostitutes are part of the included service.