LONDON – England – As the mainstream media churns out daily announcements that Britain has exited recession, the masses are barely existing.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, today announced the remarkable pre-election recovery of Britain’s economy during the great depression we are all stuck in right now.
“Manufacturing had a massive increase of 0.00001% and retail sales are up a whopping 0.0000002%. These figures are remarkable you cannot deny. Coupled with house price rises because we let in half the population of the world, it’s all hunky dory my oik friends. I know you’re all living off the credit cards now to pay everyday bills, and subsisting on pot noodles, but look on the bright side, this great depression is going to reach a new phase soon and your daily miserable existence may be alleviated when the whole bloody lot comes crashing down. Oops, did I let the cat out of the bag too soon, please forgive me and carry on as normal, do keep watching your reality shows and surfing the Facebook.”
The Chancellor then went on to announce more tax increases for everyone and an extra bonus for welfare recipients who will enjoy further cuts effective immediately.
Labour shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls was quick to jump in rebuking Osborne.
“If it wasn’t for us the Tories would not be in this mess, and I can therefore count on all your votes so that we can borrow even more money to imprison generations to come in even further debt when you vote us back in in 2015. You, Osborne are an irresponsible maniac for your treacherous electioneering economic trickery. Excuse me, I’ve got a piano lesson to go to.”