Ed Miliband Vows to Take Over Daily Mail Once Labour In Power

LONDON – England – The Labour leader today has vowed to use public funds to buy out the Daily Mail newspaper once Labour regains public office.

“Just as Pravda was the voice of the Soviet Union so too will the Daily Mail, which will only publish articles that serve the British Soviet agenda once I am installed into power. I have already spoken with the Central Committee of the Labour Party and have drafted a three-year-plan for the implementation of state subsidization for the Daily Mail. We have already planned a price of 15 Soviet pennies for each publication to keep the cost low and so that every citizen in Soviet Britain can read my words and thus be indoctrinated by me. As for the journalists who populate the Daily Mail today, you will be thrown into the streets and driven to the gallows to be hanged for treason against the state and Labour party. Your days are numbered, so start counting now.”

Senior Labour Party Apparatchik, Ed Balls will also head the Council of Commissars who will be in charge of regulating the Daily Mail’s content output and will also be in charge of installing only approved journalists of the state to the newspaper.

The Daily Mailski under Labour rule will disseminate Agitprop information and Soviet matters to the workers regarding the Ed Miliband 10-year-collectivisation plan as well as announce monthly ration portions and news of recent hangings.