“Comrades, I’ll let you all into a secret, when I’m home alone, I like to dress up in old Victorian dresses and pretend my name is Mary Whitehouse. But I’m your leader so I’m allowed to do that. From now on all proles will be disallowed from watching anything saucy on the now Soviet controlled internet. Only members of the Houses of Parliament and House of Lords, Soviet local council staff and Whitehall Soviet civil servants, as well as hypocritical Daily Mail staff and readers will have that privilege. Cor! Look at the jugs on ‘er. I am at this moment surfing the internet, excuse me while I go and bash my Menshevik,” Comrade Cameron said whilst supposedly addressing the nation last night.
Comrade Cameron, in addition to banning all previously legal online rudeness, is going to increase the schools’ LGBT programming of primary school children as well as celebrate the glorification of gratuitous hardcore violence in all its forms in the media. The supreme leader says that it is imperative that the state corrupts our children from a young age in schools and not at home on the internet.
As the Soviet Coalition’s diktats go, this one is fairly simple. Any prole caught jockeying off in the internets will be detained and taken from whence they live, probably in the early hours of the morning, to an undisclosed Soviet detention re-education facility somewhere in sector 101 (Northern Soviet England) where they will be purged of all their un-Soviet ways.
Comrade Cameron, sometimes called Comrade Whitehouse, also encourages family members to report other family members, or work colleagues, of any internet naughty stuff viewing to the state for which they will be handsomely rewarded with an extra two ounces chocolate ration per annum. State family control is a necessery function of the Soviet system and from now on all parenting will be dictated to the proles by the state.