Top Exorcist Claims He Rid World of 160,000 Demons From His Own Mind

"I, I, I feel me an exorcism coming on.."

ROME – Italy – The Catholic Church’s top exorcist, who claims to have sent 160,000 imaginary demons back to hell, from his own mind says he wants Pope Francis to allow all priests to start performing the ritual to deal with the scourge of some very sick delusional puppies walking around the streets and churches around the world.

Father Alfonso Jimbob, 51, who also heads the International Association of Exorcists, told The Sunday Times that he will ask Pope Francis to allow all priests the right to do exorcisms on their own minds without the church’s approval. According to the report, priests currently need special approval from their bishop to perform the rite or someone higher up from a bishop or even higher up in the hierarchy higher than the bishop bishop bishop.

“I will ask the pope to give all priests the power to carry out exorcisms, because we create these delusions with our own minds and belief systems after centuries of brainwashing,” said Father Jimbob.

He explained that he was inspired to make the request after watching Pope Francis perform what he insists was an exorcism on a man “possessed by four imaginary demons” in St. Peter’s Square.

“This dude believed he was possessed by demons so I saw the Pope perform an imaginary ritual on someone who believed what he was experiencing was a demonic possession. This is my world view and the view of many Catholics around the world. It’s kind of dangerous that we’re actually walking around huh?”

Father Jimbob then went on to say: “If I believe something with all my heart and soul, then it must be true huh? I just saw some demons jump into that ice cream truck over there. Like I saw it with my own eyes..jibber, jibber, jabber..whoop..whoop!”

These events all actually happened.