Christianity Experts: You Missed Him, Jesus Came Back Years Ago

MISSISSIPPI – USA – Theological experts have finally revealed that Jesus Christ came back to earth five years ago but left soon after. Only a few people noticed his return and his departure.

Millions of Christians were in mourning today as it had been revealed that Jesus came back to earth five years ago, but was so appalled by the current state of the human race he decided to go back to heaven.

“He’s not going to come back anytime soon either because what we have uncovered is proof that the Son of God came here five years ago and people who are looking for his return in the future are going to be sadly disappointed,” reverend Gareth Malarcky, for the Bartholomew Episcopal Baptist Church told local radio stations in Mississippi’s largest city, Jackson.

According to Christian theologians who have studied the data, Christ came back briefly in 2007 but did not like what he saw and left soon after.

Jesus was discovered to be back on earth in 2007, as Julio Hernendez, a Hispanic man from North Ridge California. He was employed as a janitor at a local High School in Doofville, California 34 km from Sacramento.

“I remember Jesus, because he always had a white halo above his head at all times. That’s how I knew he was the Son of God. I remember speaking to him near the school pool and he just kept on walking across the water like it was normal. He was a great janitor. One time, we ran out of light bulbs for the gymnasium, so he got one bulb and made two hundred bulbs out of that single bulb. We didn’t have to order anymore for the whole season after that for sure. What about woodwork class? He helped out one day when the main teacher was not there and he knocked up a chair in next to no time. It was incredible! I also remember him in the canteen, he would do little tricks like turning water into wine. He actually got in trouble with the principle because a lot of the kids were not of legal drinking age, but because it was Jesus, he said it was ok and would not call the cops. Anyway, one day, Jesus was watching the news and he said the world sucks. It wasn’t like the good old days in Palestine, when he used to chill out in Jerusalem. He said he was thinking of going back home to cloud nine, back to his dad because it was getting all fucked up and tedious over here plus the traffic sucked,” Joel Duncans, a friend and colleague of Jesus’s at Doofville High recalled.

Premature Rapturation

According to witnesses Jesus rose up to heaven on Tuesday, 23 October 2008 at 3.35 pm.

“Jesus walked out to the playing field out back and said he would be going home now because this place really sucked, and besides he was truly bored of everything, including his followers. He whistled with his two fingers and pointed up to a cloud. A big hand suddenly came out of the clouds and took him up. I could hear angels choruses all around me singing hosannas and shit. The light was so bright that I could not see anything for a second. I heard a deep voice coming from heaven saying ‘good to have you back son’ and I had big ol’ tear in my eye,” another witness told members of the theological investigation team.

Jesus was then seen by over fifty people rising up into the sky in the hand of God and disappearing into a big fluffy cloud followed by a clap of lightning.

“It was awesome dude, I saw Jesus going up to heaven. Someone’s going to have to write a new chapter in the Bible,” John Lamo, 17, a student at the High School revealed.

The Vatican and branches of the Protestant churches will all make official announcements on Thursday about the return of Jesus.

  • No Christian

    I am no Christian, but believe me.
    This article is all nonsense.
    I will now explain why this article is nonsense.

    Reason #1:

    Why would Jesus go back to Heaven while the human race is terrible to each other?

    Reason #2:

    The Bible says that everybody will notice the return of Jesus, doesn’t it?

    Reason #3:

    This article says that witnesses saw Jesus going back to Heaven on Tuesday, 23 October 2008.
    Well, this is a new miracle in history of Earth and the human race.
    Look to the calendar of 2008 if you please.
    Turn to October 2008.
    Find 23rd October 2008.
    Look to the day.
    Do you see it? I am sure you do.
    23rd October 2008 is Thursday, not Tuesday.

    Do you still believe this article?

  • mq

    😛 LOL

  • Believe in Him

    I don't believe this for one second. Jesus when he comes back will be amazing he won't be a janitor they got something wrong there that was not Jesus. When he comes back the air will sparkle and there will be rejoicing in the streets. That's when TRUE Christians will be taken up to heaven and not the pretenders. We wait everyday for him and he will come soon.

    Matthew 24:30-36
    "At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.

    "Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it is near, right at the door. I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.

    "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.