Britain Plans On Going Back to Age of Horse and Cart

Ted Dinglestrep, rides his horse and cart through Marketworth High Street

MACCLESFIELD – England – Government ministers were today set to visit parts of the UK where the new Horse and Cart plans will be realised.

“Britain’s road system was originally built specifically for the horse and cart, then we put cars on them, which we now know is not a system that works. With the current economic situation and Chancellor’s handling of the economy, we now want Britons to go back to the horse and cart. We will also open up Britain’s vast canal system and use the river Thames again to transport goods across South East Britain via canal boats and barges. Let’s take Britain back to its glory days, the days when you couldn’t walk the streets without stepping in a big pile of horse shit,” Minister for Transport, Tony Bilge, told the Daily Mail.

Motor vehicles have been a blight on Britain’s roads, which have never been upgraded to accommodate their width or capacity.

“You try driving down a windy narrow British road in a car, where both sides of the carriageway are blocked off with parked vehicles impinging on the road space and you’ve got other cars and massive buses coming down the other side. This is why the horse and cart is the ideal way to travel on Britain’s roads no more cars please. We pay 87 pence in a pound fuel tax in this country, that means you can fill up your regular car by spending £95. If you had to do the same in any other country in the rest of the world, there would be massive riots, but in Britain as usual, no one even bats an eyelid. That on top of inhibitive road tax charges and MOT costs, as well as rip off insurance costs, you know the horse and cart is going to win hands down,” a disgruntled ex-car owner told the BBC.

Thousands of people across Britain are now selling their cars and getting horses.

“It’s the new transport of the future. My family just bought a lovely nag, and a cart. We have almost reduced our travel costs by 95%, even though it takes us a lot longer to get anywhere, we still think it’s a great way to travel. It is very easy to setup a stable in your garden or you can lease a patch of grass somewhere,” Alfie Noakes, a resident of Biggleswittle, Surrey, told the BBC morning news.

The Coalition government is involved in a stable and horse initiative to increase the number of stables across England and Wales, as well as inns for stop offs during long journeys for travellers. The only drawback is that there has been a marked increase in armed robbers and highwaymen who are robbing travellers once again.

“With the resurgence of the horse and carriage, highwaymen have increased in numbers, but we are increasing the police presence in robbery hot spots to counteract this menace. The main positive point with the re-introduction of the horse and wagon is that we can now employ thousands of more Britons, as stable hands, horse manure sweepers otherwise called crossing sweepers and other professions linked with horses, such as blacksmiths and saddle makers. For Britain’s ailing economy this is a wonderful much needed boost,” the Minister for Transport, Mr Bilge, added.

  • george

    i agree bring back old steptoe back again plenty of pup for the gardens no queing on the m25 for houres. no road tax or fuel . just have to be carefull of imisions from back of horse.

  • Django Bango

    Ummm, oil production peaked in 2006. Unless the UK goes Solar / Wind / Tide in a REALLY BIG way, and 100% electrifies its rail system, you'd better get used to horses….