Sarkozy Exiled to Saint Helena Island

Longwood House on Saint Helena where Nicolas Sarkozy will be exiled for the rest of his life

JAMESTOWN – Saint Helena – The former French president will be exiled to the island of Saint Helena in the Atlantic Ocean, 1,870 km from the west coast of Africa, a French parliamentary official has disclosed to the media.

“He will still be allowed to wear his high heels as they do not really constitute much of an aid to escaping the island,” one of his keepers, Bertrand Hortense, told Le Figaro newspaper.

Sarkozy will be detained at the Longwood residence where he will be guarded by a team of two soldiers from the British army.

“He will be well looked after in exile, we have one cook for him, and he can do a spot of gardening if he so wishes. If Sarkozy wants to dictate his memoirs, he can do so to whoever wants to compile them via the internet and maybe sell it as an eBook or something. The former president’s wife, Carla Bruni, has however elected to remain in Paris and will not accompany her husband to the island,” Mr Hortense added.

Mr Sarkozy who lost the 2012 French elections will be remembered for his disastrous tenure in bringing France’s economy to the brink of financial ruin, as well as his dictatorial attitude towards governing.

“Basically he was an arrogant shit who ruined France with his stupid, wasteful policies and ineptitude. No one liked him, and he was a jumped up turd. Allez, go away and stay on your silly little island Sarko. For the good of France, do not come back either,” an angry French voter was quoted as saying on TV.