TSA Implement Sensual Massage Oils into Body Searches

FLORIDA – USA – Officials who create TSA operating procedures have said that the organisation should incorporate sensual massage oils into the routine of checking passengers before their flights.

“We think it could relax passengers and put them at ease before their flight. We can understand that they may feel a little agitated when they are roughly treated by our oaf TSA personnel. But I have to inform you all that all the TSA staff have been retrained and re-branded. We want to have a soft loving image, not the rough unkind one that is portrayed by the media,” Johnson Pistolgrip, head of the TSA, told Fox news.

By having aromatic oils at hand during the search procedure, the invasive searches that take place are less stressful.

“How about a gentle massage with some organic Ylang Ylang and arousing Pimento Berry with a twist of Indonesian Sandalwood oil rubbed gently into your butt crack and balls then some hand relief to ease you on your flight to Chicago’s O’Hare airport?”  TSA agent, Ed Mulroney, asks a 78-year-old wheelchair bound retiree, Jimmy Smitts, before he gets to the departure lounge.

After the dirty deed is done, the TSA agent wipes down and starts on his next client.

  • Pumpkin Pie

    War of Terror indeed!
    Q. What kind of man does nothing while his terrified child is being groped?
    A. An American man.

  • Bob Carpenter

    I'm an American and I'm offended by this. We gave up our liberties for security. I just flew to St Barts, and then back again. I was screened twice in San Juan.

    Americans love Security more than they love freedom. There are very few people angry with this, they'd rather feel safe when flying then felt up and victimized.

  • Alistair Gooding

    That picture tells a thousand stories. It tells me that I will never fly to the US ever again. My family we used to travel to Disney World in Florida all the time not anymore we also have friends in California we will not see unless they fly over to the UK. That picture tells me that America is NOT the land of the free. It tells me that there is NO liberty there anymore and I read my history even though I'm from the UK. Thomas Jefferson is ashamed right now if he saw that pic he would be rolling in his grave. Shame on you Americans for letting this happen to your once great nation. Shame.

  • funny

    i can't believe Americans allow this? looks like they're more docile than i thought.

    Without their guns they're cowards.