Santorum Declares Jihad on World

Voters watch as God speaks to Santorum

MISSISSIPPI - USA - Presidential candidate declares Jihad on world, Middle East first to go.

American presidential candidate and insane windbag, Rick Santorum, has declared jihad on the world, according to a video posted on the Santorum campaign’s website.

Speaking from a cave in a secluded area of the United States, Santorum declared that he would “not rest until the world is in Christian hands- hands that will undo separation of church and state, illegalize all abortion, and fondle every child within reach!”

This announcement comes on the heels of a call made by the Santorum campaign for another series of Crusades on the Middle East, preferably some that would end with the conversion of all Muslims and Jews to “the one true God,” as Santorum put it.

Although President Obama declined Santorum’s request to use the United States Army to fight in the new Crusade, Santorum is still turning to conservative millionaires such as Montgomery Burns in an attempt to finance his new holy war. “We’re Christians!” He explained during a trip to Jerusalem, “and as followers of the one true God, we have the right to wage jihad - I mean a Crusade - to spread the faith.”

A puzzled Santorum quickly left the stage as shoes were thrown at him from all sides, including a curiously large pair that seemed to fall from the sky.

Experts are worried about Santorum’s radical positions on religion. “It’s insane!” says Colin Rumsfeld, a political scientist. “This guy’s dangerous! Would you believe he wants to take the 'homo' out of 'homo sapiens'? ”

Concerned citizen Condoleezza Bush disagrees. “This guy has men in medieval armor patrolling the streets. That’s amazing! She squealed. “ I just know our Dear Leader will lead us to a glorious future!”

Santorum declined to comment on this article. However, he did put on his helmet, mount his horse, and ride off into a gorgeous God-given sunset.