News International Staff to Get New Identities

LONDON – England – The Metropolitan Police said today it would offer new identities to the "vast majority" of staff who were employed by Rupert Murdoch at News International.

News International, which also publishes The Sun, The Times and The Sunday Times, said that thousands of its staff would be under identity protection programs costing the taxpayer millions of pounds per annum.

Rebekah Brooks, CEO of NI has already had her head shaved and undergone major plastic surgery so that no one recognises her, as has Rupert Murdoch and his son.

“They will all be given new identities and new disguises so they can lead new lives away from the extreme scandal and shame of their previous incarnations as slimey scumbag eavesdroppers. Mr Murdoch, who has lost everything including his Philipino mail order bride, is now living in a tower block in Lambeth, oops I just gave his location away,” Detective constable Brown Payperbag, of the Witness Protection program told the BBC.