News International Say Sorry For Trying to Hack Daily Squib

LONDON - England - News International's boss, Rupert Murdoch, has apologised profusely for trying to hack the Daily Squib and has agreed a multi-million pound payout to our paper.

Speaking from his New York penthouse in Manhattan, Murdoch, explained his predicament: "We tried to get the scoops, the amazing stories, the wonder of the Squib's reporting. I ordered my deputy, Rebekah Brooks to infiltrate the Daily Squib, to use her naked charms, her gorgeous flaming hair to seduce some of the best writers in the Daily Squib. Now that we have been caught out by the media and law, News International is sorry for using the under-hand techniques in trying to hack the Daily Squib, and we ask for your eternal forgiveness. I've also ordered my lap dog, David Cameron, to make an announcement of how very sorry I am, in the Commons first thing on Monday. Oh how I have wronged the Squib. Please will you ever forgive me and my evil corporation?"

"Murdoch is a lizard. There are no if's or but's about it. He's a fucking reptile, and when I pushed him down those stairs still in his wheelchair in 2009, I giggled my arse off like a naughty little school girl. Anyway, the staff will get a few days off for this payment he's going to make, and we might even go to Chessington zoo or something," the Squib's office manager said.

According to the Squib writing room, Murdoch's deputy, Rebekah Brooks, passed herself around all the male Squib writers and editors to sequester information from them and is quite the 'goer'.

"You know what they say about redheads. Well, this one comes flame grilled. 'Hot' is the operative word here," Keith Pluto, one of our features editors revealed.

Rebekah used her considerable charms to have wild flaming sex with the Squib writers, then bug their telephones and use a memory stick to infiltrate their computers.

"I think she could become a main feature in our office. After a few minutes with her, I even let her have the keys to my Jag. What people will do for that Rupert Murdoch eh," Albert Ginster, the fat boy of the Squib office said, smiling like a Cheshire cat.