Worldwide Mysterious Bird Deaths Finally Solved

Jesus is now flying at speeds reaching 12,000 km/h scientists have calculated

KENTUCKY – USA – Scientists and researchers at the George W Bush Research Institute of Neocon Science have finally discovered the real reason why thousands of birds are mysteriously falling dead out of the skies all over the world.

“After much research, we have finally come to the conclusion that Jesus is coming back soon and we are getting very close to the Rapture,” Professor Alex Pendleton, the chief scientist in charge of the emergency study into the bird deaths told Fox News.

According to many of the scholars, Jesus is flying around the earth at thousands of miles per hour waiting for the right time to land and it is because of the immense speed he is flying at that he is colliding with birds who are migrating back up north from their winter retreats in the southern hemisphere. 

The Rapture

Jesus rapture

“Jesus is coming back for the Rapture when all the Christians will be lifted up and taken up to heaven, where they will live in paradise for all of eternity. He is circling the earth right now as we speak and when he lands there will be bright lights and sounds of angels blowing their trumpets and bassoons. If you ain’t a true Christian, you’re shit outta luck though. He’s definitely coming now because of all the troubles in the world. Gays in the military and Obama the Anti-Christ,” Professor Pendleton said.

Christian scholars from the institute previously said that the Rapture was meant to have occurred in 2009 but it was subsequently re-scheduled for 2010, that date did not materialise either, so hopefully 2011 will be the year that Jesus comes back to save the Christians from living on earth.

Radar Tracking Jesus

“We’ve been tracking him circling the earth for weeks now on radar and satellite. We use satellite trackers to see Jesus. He sure flies fast too. I saw him banking over the horizon last night and he zoomed past at about 12,000 km/h. Dang, it was a beautiful sight. He made a great big ‘whooshing’ sound as he flew past. I just got chills down my back and had to get down on my knees right there in the gas station to pray,” Edward Jonestown, another researcher working on the project said. 

Some country folk, however, have sadly tried to shoot Jesus as he strafed their towns in the Midwest.

“We had some boys shooting at him thinkin’ he was an Iraqi attack airplane or the Russians. We had to go over to their trailer and tell them to stop shooting at Jesus. I think he’s bullet proof anyway, but still it’s disrespectful,” Merv Bart, a logger from Deans Creek in Wisconsin told CBS news.

There were also protests from wildlife preservation groups and animal rights activists who decry the fact that Jesus is out there killing birds because he’s flying so fast.

“He saved the birds in the cages in the temple in Jerusalem. So what’s he doing flying around killing all the blackbirds? I’ve reported him to the authorities and PETA,” Anna Bolic, an angry animal rights activist from Utah said.

  • Zino

    All we are is a sum total of what we know via what we see, feel and hear. What If …..Jesus is coming back?. You are right to say that rapture is a crap story, I would only ask you to wait till the end to find out what the true story is. Give your life to christ and be free indeed. It is simple

    Say this from your heart and be free. "Heavenly Father, have mercy on me, a sinner. I believe in you and that your word is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that he died on the cross so that I may now have forgiveness for my sins and eternal life. I know that without you in my heart my life is meaningless.
    I believe in my heart that you, Lord God, raised Him from the dead. Please Jesus forgive me, for every sin I have ever committed or done in my heart, please Lord Jesus forgive me and come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior today. I need you to be my Father and my friend.

    I give you my life and ask you to take full control from this moment on; I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ."

    Amen. You are now redeemed. See you in church.

  • Alienhunter

    Research Nibiru or planet X. It is approaching earth and is due for the closest approach in 2012. The strong magnetic field around this body is disrupting the magnetosphere surrounding earth. This is the reason why the birds are losing their way, and dropping.

  • Anonymous

    he did!!!

  • luke

    If your god was so great and powerful why on earth would he give us the power to do this to his other creations ie birds and fish? I dont get religion, and the obama government has made some of the best contributions to the american people of any recent president, just because it doesnt happen in 6-12 months doesnt mean nothings happening, you dont get the nobel peace prize for doing nothing

  • luke

    and i thought cristians were supporters of cooperation and peace you sound like a gun toting hooligan whos out for the blood of people who dont have the same brain as you.

    GET SOME HELP!!

  • Benjamin

    Anyone remember the old Superman movies? I forget which one, but its where either lana or lois dies and superman flies around the world so fast it causes the world to start spinning backwards? And the backwards spin caused time to reverse?

    That's what's happening here. Jesus is trying to backspin the earth so that the Obama election can be reversed!

  • Ha ha, I'm having just as much fun with the comments on this one as the article itself. No doubt, all those birds dying is very scary stuff…but I'm sure it has more to do with pollution than revelations. I would actually really love to know what the hell is going on with all these bird and fish die-offs.

    "Radar tracking Jesus" – LOL.

  • audra

    Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged…we are all Gods children. Who are you to wish such a horrible fate on anyone? Love thy neighbor…and show them the way through kindness…God gave us freewill… why can't you?

  • Anonymous

    Wow. What a great Christian you are.

  • no more pain

    The Rapture is going to come soon and all of you who mock us true Christians will wish you were one of us.May God forgive your blasphemes you sinners.You will burn in the fires of hell for ever while we enjoy heavenly peace and wonders.

    And the whole city is lighted by the glory of God. Heaven is a place of matchless blessings. Jesus has prepared a mansion for us there. Great treasure is stored up for us; in fact, the saints "will inherit all things" (Revelation 21:7). The leaves of the tree of life will guarantee our health. and the crystal pure water of the river of life will flow from the throne of God to the tree of eternal life. For the first time since the Garden of Eden, God's children may eat out of this tree in His paradise (Genesis 3:22 and Revelation 2:7)

  • arby

    when y'all ascend, can I have your home and vehicles? Please don't waste any time!

  • John

    Actually The Rapture will not involve Jesus flying down. This is ridiculous baloney. He is going to appear in the yard in the back of Gethsemene or Golgotha. He will just appear and then we will know that the Rapture has come. What you got to do is just stand there and you will feel your body rising. Be sure to walk out of your house or any enclosed area other wise you could get stuck. This story is crap and misleading so pay no attention.

  • HOPE

    WHY IS THIS ALL BEING COVERED UP BY THE OBAMA ADMIN? ILL TELL U WHY CUZ THEY WANT US TO STOP BLEIVING IN GOD.

  • Freddy

    If he's traveling that fast he could be traveling back in time so that means he might bring on the Rapture many years back from now. Like Back to the future.The Rapture could have already happened and we don't know it happened.

    I got to go and lie down now because this is too much for my head.

  • Corbin Stevenson

    If this is true we need to get more prepared for his arrival. I pray every day that Jesus comes back to us from whence he left.
    The glory of God will shine down as we all rise up into the sky.

    Those who are alive and remain, the leftovers, those left behind, the survivors, are those in 1 Thess 4:15-17

    The last Judgment will be upon us all