LONDON – England – The EU communist loving Lord Heseltine, a failure at many things, including become PM, has been sacked by the Conservatives for leading a rebellion to thwart Brexit in the House of Lords.
One would think he would be annoyed at such an action, however according to the peer himself, it has freed up some time for his greatest love — strangling Alsatians.
“All these jobs I held in the Lords took up way too much of my time, thus I will shed not one tear at their loss. I will continue strangling dogs to death, as it is my hobby you know. I like to strangle one in the morning, then one or two in the afternoon. On a good day, I can go through five or six, not including puppies,” Heseltine quipped whilst feigning strangulation.
If you are wondering what Heseltine does to the dogs once they are strangled to death, it is no surprise that he is a keen taxidermist who sells his creations to other sick fucks who like that sort of thing, and the meat goes to local takeaways for a little extra profit.
“My Alsation, Alfie, who I strangled. I still have him up on the book case in the study. Every time I go in there, it’s a reminder of the power of my hands, how his poor eyes bulged as I put the pressure on. Lovely memories.”