LONDON – England – Bring out the formaldehyde! Michael Foot, 93, has agreed to come back as leader of the Labour party after Gordon Brown is finally ousted as unelected PM.
The most unpopular unelected Prime Minister in British history, Gordon Brown, is to step aside to make way for an old hand of the Labour party because according to Number 10 spin doctors, “things can’t get any worse than they already are”.
“Michael Foot was up until now the most unpopular leader of the Labour party, but he towers over Gordon Brown in popularity. No one else in the Labour party has the guts or balls to stand up to Brown and it has been witnessed by the whole nation with how f*cking spineless the Labour MPs were when it came to ousting the pariah, Brown. Even at 93 years old and with two feet in the grave, Foot is a supreme, charismatic, dynamo compared to the boorish, morose loser Brown,” a Number 10 aide disclosed.
Labour MPs from the backbenches, and even some from the cabinet, were at Michael Foot’s home in Plymouth yesterday begging for him to return so that Labour can at least have a tiny chance of winning the next election.
“We call Gordon, ‘Velcro’ because bad luck sticks to him. He has been the worst pox on the Labour party ever. He is a walking reverse Midas touch, everything he touches turns to sh*t. His blundering tin pot ideas have ruined our country for the next 30-40 years. Our children’s children’s children will still be suffering because of this f*cking moron Gordon Brown. What’s worse, he won’t go. We’ve tried bloody everything. He just does not get it,” a Labour backbencher moaned to the Guardian newspaper, which incidentally has also turned against Brown.
Once installed, the Rt Hon Michael Foot will be bolstered up during parliamentary sessions by an intravenous drip of pure formaldehyde so that he does not decompose during PMQ’s. Technicians hired by the Labour party were at work all of yesterday concocting a formula of drugs to also keep the 93 year old politician awake and alert.
“If we can keep him awake for more than 15 minutes at a time by injecting him with pure caffeine and amphetamines, at least that way he can field a few questions from Cameron. If that doesn’t work we’ll have to bring on the defibrillators. Anything or anyone is better than Gordon Brown,” John McManus, a senior Labour backbencher told the Guardian.
All Michael Foot has to do now is to get his metal toe capped boot on and give that god awful bonehead, Brown, a bloody good kicking so that he will never forget the mess he has got us all in.