LONDON – England – Vaginal speakers may be the next big thing for foetal musical pleasure, but they sure do cause a little mayhem on public transport.
London Underground on a busy Monday rush hour morning, a troupe of pregnant women are in a carriage.
One lady has the sweet tones of Mozart emanating from her belly, another lady seems to be tapping her foot to Motorhead’s Ace of Spades, and a heavily pregnant woman with what seems to be quintuplets raring to go has the Sound of Music theme tune bellowing at 40 watts out of her gasping uterus.
When Nirvarna’s In Utero comes on, the woman’s baby goes berserk and starts kicking the living shit out of the woman’s womb, startled, she changes the track to something more agreeable, ah a bit of Vangelis calms the little blighter down.
The heavy bass of Up On the Hill by Fun Lovin’ Criminals makes one lady squeal with joy as her eyes roll up and her cheeks go purple, she quickly fumbles for the off button, instead turning the volume up. Huey would have approved.
Naturally, add in the sound of the cluttering train, and the music mix and you as a commuter get to work with an almighty headache.
What’s your excuse for being late for work today Johnny?
“Well, I was accosted by a bunch of pregnant women blaring out music to their babies through their vaginal speakers sir. After that I think I need to lie down,” you say before being summarily fired on the spot.
So, next time you see a pregnant woman and you hear music and she’s not wearing headphones or carrying a speaker, you know what she’s got crammed up her slosh tunnel.
Moral of the story? — fuck it!