Some Iraqi Suicide Bombers Now Suffering from Premature Detonation

A premature detonation by an over-excited suicide bomber destroys a goat pen and a few sheds in the outskirts of Baghdad

BAGHDAD – Iraq – An Islamist helpline has been set up by Jihadis working within the Sunni Triangle to try and treat the spectre of premature detonation which is plaguing suicide bombers.

“This is a grave problem for our suicide bombers because they get too excited and release their bombs too early. By Allah, my brother Ali Abdul Masjid was suffering from premature detonation and we only found out after he blew himself up before he even walked out of his safe house,” Khalid bin Ramallah wrote on a well known Jihadist website forum.

Premature detonation is now such a major problem that Jihadis all over the internet are writing in their forums about its prevalence says a CIA backed intelligence think tank.

Sai’id Mohammed from Tikrit had a narrow escape from a suicide bomber who prematurely detonated: “He exploded in front of my house. We haven’t seen any infidels here for months and he must have got so excited about meeting his 72 virgins that he let go too early. Our boys need to control themselves better. Now I have to clean up his bodyparts and splattered blood off my front porch. My son found his arm the other day and was scaring the other children with it.”

Intercepted communications from Jihadist groups still working in Iraq have shown the extent of the problem, with some groups even bringing in Islamic therapists to try and stop the premature detonation.

“It is all to do with self control. You must hold on and then release yourself for the money shot and a one way ticket to virgin central. Try thinking about Margaret Thatcher or some really ugly bird. That way you can hold on for longer and there will not be any premature detonations,” Faisal Juba, an Islamic therapist who has treated many suicide bombers for premature detonation told Al Jizz news service in Qatar.

As of yet there is no medical cure for premature detonation.