"We need more toilet paper!" - the Daily Squib janitor breaks his silence
LONDON – England – The Daily Squib newspaper is requesting billions of pounds from the Bank of England and US Federal Reserve so that it can keep churning out more diabolical nonsense onto the internet.
Amongst the crumpled up pieces of paper scattered around the Daily Squib editorial bins and the smashed computer screens, there is finally some hope and a glimmer of light in the Daily Squib offices.
“They rescued the banks with trillion dollar packages, they rescued the insurers and the automobile industry. We figured we could have a chunk of the cash too so so we can get more pool tables, a popcorn machine and an endless supply of champagne on f*cking tap,” Ed McMahoney, senior accountant for the Squib’s accounts dept. told Reuters.
Daily Squib executives flew out in their private jets on Thursday to appeal to the Federal Reserve and BoE bigwigs that they are in dire need of a financial rescue package in the billions to ensure the whole newspaper industry does not go under.
Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report had this to say: “I’ve got the Daily Squib as my homepage. If I want to feel the pulse of what is REALLY going on in the world and how people REALLY feel I check out the Daily Squib. They just know what’s going on. It may be satire, but there’s more truth there than in anything I’ve read in the REGULAR papers. I know they will get the money so they can keep functioning as a f*ck-up organisation extraordinaire.”
Rupert Murdoch was also on hand to sing the praises of the Daily Squib: “News International depends on the Daily Squib for all its news. I’ve seen senior news editors for all our top papers break down and cry whenever there is an outage or the Daily Squib server is down after they’ve exceeded their bandwidth quota. It is crucial that the Federal Reserve and Bank of England gives the Daily Squib the billions of pounds they are asking for.”
The Fed and Bank of England would stave off a major world recession simply by giving the Daily Squib enormous bags of money. President Bush and Gordon Brown have also been working hard to ensure that the recession does not go deeper than it is already threatening to go and are working hard to secure the money deal.
“I get Laura to read out the Daily Squib stories every morning because I can’t read myself. Some of the pictures are real funny..Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk,” George W Bush was quoted as saying before feeding time on Wednesday.