The subtle art of giving with one hand and taking with the other
LONDON – England – The Soviet Chancellor of the Collectivized State Economy today triumphantly announced some astounding tax cuts for the peasants, proles and high ranking Soviet party officials.
Speaking from the Westminster Duma, comrade Darling announced the changes in taxation for the masses with his usual high-pitched squeaky voice:
“Comrades, I have partaken in the age old trick of giving with one hand and taking with the other. Indeed, comrades, this is a trick which I have learnt from my master mentor who I follow at every point, of course I am talking of the one and only supreme unelected comrade Brown. I give you a tiny VAT cut, then I add on fuel duty, I give you all such delightful gifts, like huge income tax rises and National Insurance rises to keep you all warm in winter. Indeed, fellow citizens and workers of the great Old Labour Soviet party, we are reverting to our true roots, our red core of Soviet hardship and toil, of Comrade Brown’s 10 year plan in the New Era of Change.”
Fuel tax under the Soviet Labour regime makes up 74% of the price of petrol. Everytime you fill your Trabants and Ladas up comrades you can rest assured that you are helping the Soviet state’s Industrial ten year plan.
£1 trillion debt
There was further good news from Comrade Brown when he spoke of the trillion pound taxpayers bill which is yet to come:
“Comrades, workers, Bolshevik warriors and proles, I am also announcing the wonderful tax bombshell that will slowly come into fruition. Yes, comrades, soon all taxes will increase at an even higher rate than they ever have and all of this purely because I like you all so much. Remember to work hard comrades, because instead of working six months of the year to make any profit for yourself you will now be working nine months in the year to make any profit.”
There was also even further good news when the capitalist vile dogs were all ordered to leave Britain or pay 45% income tax.
“The vile capitalist scum who worked hard for their money should be punished severely. This is why I plan on increasing their income tax to such a high level and redistributing their money to people who really need it like benefits cheats, alcoholics, druggies, wasters, hoodies and peasant scum with twenty kids and no jobs. It is the Labour creed which has created a benefits culture in this country where people are rewarded for scrounging off the state and those who work hard to support themselves are punished hard.”