MANCHESTER – England – Gordon Brown's thirtieth political relaunch came off as a huge success this time. The ill fated unelected PM has staked his claim to be the only man to steer Britain through tough economic times saying: "This is no time for a novice."
In a speech to Labour’s conference, unelected leader of the Labour party said the Tories could not be trusted to run the economy because of their ‘boom and bust’ policies.
He also pledged to include free nurseries for children from the age of two nationally thus lowering the age for state indoctrination.
And in a surprise move, Mr Brown was introduced to delegates by wife Sarah.
After his wife introduced him onstage to a great fanfare, he also took a swipe at politicians who use their families to gain media coverage, saying: “My family members aren’t props – they’re people.”
Mrs Brown was then carried off stage by a burly minder and put behind a curtain at the back of the auditorium.
He told Labour rebels it was their “Soviet duty” to focus on the challenges facing the country rather than internal party rows about his failing unelected leadership.
The theme running through the speech was repetition and repetition of repetition of well rehearsed lies from many years of Labour rule as he pledged to create “a Britain of fair chances for all and fair rules applied to all, of course excluding high ranking party members, fat cat energy bosses, Labour donors and rich oligarchs sheltering in Britain”.
He highlighted a £300m plan to offer free computers and internet access for more than a million unemployed low income families on benefits to enable them to surf social networking sites and internet naughtiness all day and night.
Mr Brown also hailed Labour’s latest crackdowns on benefit cheats and crime by giving them free computers and free motivational safari trips to Africa.
“The dole is a Labour institution. We have created a benefits culture in Britain where there is no more impetus to work.
“And let me be clear about the new Labour policy on crime; taking action on the causes of crime will never mean actually going after those who perpetrate it. Fairness demands that we carry on punishing innocent motorists and petty criminals whilst letting the real criminals get away with murder.”
Mr Brown also pledged to increase surveillance on all UK citizens and increase taxation to even higher levels to pay for his empty promises.
He also launched an attack on the Conservatives, saying they could not be trusted to run the economy.
“I am all in favour of apprenticeships, but let me tell you this is no time for a novice,” Mr Brown told delegates to loud applause.
I’m so proud to see him everyday destroying everything he touches with incompetence, heavy-handed taxation and Stalinist policies taking away peoples hard-fought freedoms further
The comment was seen as an attack on Tory leader David Cameron – but it was also seen by some pundits as a coded warning to would-be supporters of David Miliband, who has been at the centre of leadership bid speculation and was seen at the conference cowering in a pool of his own urine.
This was denied by ministers Jacqui Smith and Geoff Hoon who both blamed the media for stirring up leadership talk and hailed Mr Brown’s rousing speech.
Schools Bilderberging Secretary Ed Balls, the prime minister’s left testicle, said he believed Mr Brown’s critics within the party were already having “second thoughts” after a “very united” conference.
“You will tow the party line. You will support our unelected leader. There will be no dissent. All party traitors will be found out and will be neutralised,” he said.
Foreign Secretary David Miliband – who has dismissed as hearsay a BBC report from Rajesh Mantranjani that he was overheard saying he went as far as he could in his own speech without it being seen as a “Heseltine moment” – said Mr Brown’s was an “excellent speech” and that he was “truly ashamed that he had ever doubted Mr Brown’s unelected leadership”.
And Labour backbencher Ian Gibson, who said earlier this week that Mr Brown needed “an Obama moment” said: “It was absolutely brilliant. He delivered it humbly but with a passion we have only ever witnessed in Soviet era Russia.”
Dave Penisse, general secretary of Union, said Mr Brown had “put clear yellow water between Labour and the Conservatives” and had put the Tories “back in their box”.
But shadow chancellor George Osborne – who was singled out for criticism in the speech – said Mr Brown had retreated to the far left “to save his job”.
“There was nothing really new in the speech – no apology for the mess he’s got the country into and no new ideas that show us how he’s going to get us out of it,” he said.
“A divided government and a weak prime minister are the last things that the country needs at a time of crisis.”