RUNCORN – England – Comrade Corbyn has unveiled what he called a “unifying” new shadow cabinet, naming his Bolshevik ally Scotch McScotch as shadow chancellor.
After much dilly dallying, Comrade Corbyn has finally revealed his cabinet for government. In the early hours of the morning, he was driven from his £900,000 7-bedroom dacha to a secret location where the line up of his new cabinet was announced to much cheer.
Heading the list will be Commissar Scotch McScotch, a man who hates the English so much he has them regularly flogged in front of him during his breakfast of a single piece of oatmeal splashed with some Scotch. Commissar McScotch will be in charge of the economy, something he detests even more than the fucking English.
Commissar Engle will be in charge of rationing and queueing. It will be her job to make sure that food queues do not get shorter than a hundred citizens a time. She will also ensure that state run shops have permanently empty shelves and bread has the right amount of rat droppings embedded in each loaf.
Anti-royal Commissar Vladimir Potemkin will be in charge of dismantling the British royal family. He will first start by exposing Kate Middleton as a commoner, which he says will be a big blow for the pure blue blood family of Windsors. Buckingham Palace will be torn down and a refugee processing camp will be put in its place. The royals will be paraded through the streets before being taken to Red Square (previously Trafalgar) and hanged.
Head of the reformed Stasi, a post formerly held by Kommandant Jacqui Smith, the new appointee has been announced, and he is only known as Kommandant Zersetzung. He will be in charge of all Administration protocols including garbage disposal and analysis for the Ministry of Truth. All surveillance levels for the reformed Stasi will stay the same as they are now and there is no need to do anything more.
The rest of the inner party cabinet will be announced at a later date as needed.