(Speaking at the Labour Party Head Quarters in London, Comrade Miliband’s appearance in the rostrum was greeted by party members with loud cheers lasting several minutes. The entire assembled inner party rose to its feet to greet Comrade Miliband. There were continuous cries of “Cheers for great Miliband!” “Long live great Miliband, Hurrah!” “Cheers for our beloved Miliband!”)
I have heard news from my spies there have been some odious malcontents within the party who are not happy with my leadership. I say to them, you are finished. They were removed from their posts this morning and escorted to the farthest point from our head quarters, two roads down, on the left past the McDonalds and WHSmiths. We will not see them again because they were not worthy of my 5-year-plan, they did not have the commitment or the peoples interest at heart. Not like you my fellow Soviet heroes.
Comrades, I say to you, are you ready for the fight? Are you ready to unite the people once again as Comrade Brown so boldly managed in the past? Then let us move forward to smash the capitalist scum and their corrupt system of bourgeois-democratic liberties. Let us beat their heads upon the unstable capitalist system that profits off crisis and catastrophic wars.
I will implement a full British Soviet social system which will be a genuine people’s system, it will grow up from the ranks of the people and enjoy powerful support; so that the British Soviet social system is fully viable and stable form of organization of society.
Our revolution is near Comrades, and I would also like this opportunity to introduce Commissar Brand, who will be in charge of all revolutionary matters on the streets and champagne filled celebrity soirées.
You all already know Commissar Balls, he will be in charge of the Peoples Bank, as well as rations for the proletariat.
My eternal 5-year-plan will never be thwarted, not by traitors, capitalists, lickspittle bourgeois charlatans or my brother in exile.
In conclusion, permit me to express my thanks for the confidence which you have shown me (loud and prolonged applause. A voice: “Cheers for the great leader of all our victories, Comrade Miliband! “) by nominating me as a candidate for the Supreme Soviet Britain. You need have no doubt that I will do my best to justify your confidence. (All rise. Loud and prolonged applause rising to an ovation. Voices in different parts of the Labour Head Quarters: “Long live great Miliband, Hurrah!” “Cheers for the great leader of the peoples!” “Glory to great Miliband!” “Long live Comrade Miliband, the candidate of the entire people!” “Glory to the creator of all our victories, Comrade Miliband! “)