US Ganja Olympics Underway After Explosive Opening Ceremony

"Thas some mahfuggin' good shei-i-i-t!"

MIAMI – USA – The United States has been gripped with bong fever as the 2009 Ganja Olympics finally got underway yesterday.

“This brings a new meaning to the Olympic flame,” Olympic host, Alan ‘Crankin’ Charlie shouts as multiple gold medal winning champion, Michael Phelps inhales from a massive joint of prime weed, his eyes glaze over and he smiles knowingly.

The opening ceremony for the Ganja Olympic Games is broadcast all over the world and its honorary champion Michael Phelps is here as proof that champions are an integral part of the eternal ganja flame.

“This years bong smoking contest was a mess though. We had people smoking so much chronic that they had to be taken away in a wheelchair. Yes, Jamaica won this year, followed closely by Phelps for the USA who inhaled three bong loads in a record 2.34 minutes. Coming last was Saudi Arabia, those dudes aren’t allowed to train because of their strict laws or they gets beheaded and shit,” Arnold Winklatter of the Ganja Olympics Authority told Reuters.

“Munchies”

So far Michael Phelps has won six gold medals in the Ganja events including the Camberwell Carrot event where athletes have to roll a perfect spliff utilising only two skins then smoke it at the fastest speed.

The ‘Hide yo spliff from da fuzz
event” went down like a storm this year with the many ingenious ways the participating athletes found in hiding their stash from a visiting cop. “I saw the Colombian team stuff whole bags of prime weed up their arses. I think it was about 4-5 kilos per squad member. They won gold just for that trick, even the sniffer dogs didn’t realise,” an excited commentator from Japan relayed on Japan’s premium sports channel. The Nigerians came second by ingesting huge amounts of cocaine in their stomachs with cocaine bags. One contestant, Ifunanyachukwu Kaka from Benin managed to swallow 450 cocaine bags in the allotted time of 5 minutes 20 seconds to score gold and the World Record for the ‘cocaine bag event’.

This years outstanding competition saw only one disqualification. Ivan Bolokov, of Bulgaria was disqualified in the cocaine racing event when he was party to three late starts and after a drugs test was found to not have enough cocaine in his bloodstream.

The overall medal winner for the whole games is Michael Phelps from the USA and due to his high-grade performances, the sponsors have been jumping at his heels already.

“He is amazing. I mean he doesn’t even come up for air. He takes hit after hit on those bongs. That’s gotta hurt man. The guy’s superhuman. He makes Cheech and Chong look like godamn girl scouts,” Alonso Moseley, a sports commentator for CBS news reported.

With Olympic success, sponsor success always follows.

“We have a few big name cartels already after Phelps. I think he’s going to come out a winner with at least $100 million worth of sponsorship and the best grass, coke and speed to play with. It’s going to be a dream come true I tell you,” Mr Winklatter added.