Scottish Scientists Invent the Secret to Immortality

GLASGOW – Scotland – Scottish scientists have come up with a novel way of preserving humans before they die so that they can live for thousands of years.

“We don’t believe in cryogenic freezing because that’s a little too complicated and a wee bit expensive. Our solution is very simple. We batter you. We’re not talking about the usual violence, we mean we coat your entire body in batter much like one of our staple foods, the battered mars bar, and we find this preservation technique is almost as effective in preserving humans as any other modern scientific method,” Angus McMumford, chief scientist at Larry’s Fish Fry shop in central Glasgow demonstrated on Saturday.

Hundreds of people are now flocking to the Glasgow Batter Hibernian (GBH) research centre to be battered and preserved for the next few centuries.

One man who went up to Scotland recently got something he did not plan on.

“I went to Glasgow and asked if I could be battered. Look at my eye sockets and bloody nose,” Nigel Farage, the English leader of UKIP told the Daily Mail.