Italian Scientists: "Jesus Looked Like a Medieval European Man"

The Turin Shroud (left) and the Volto Santo sculpture replicating the Turin Jesus (right)

TURIN - Italy - Scientists sponsored by the Roman Catholic Church have revealed new fascinating facts that Jesus looked exactly like a medieval artist's depiction of a European man during the Middle Ages.

"Our analysis of the Turin Shroud proves that Jesus looked like a Medieval European man, proving that he rose from the dead and left a mark on the shroud. This further backs up all other Christian imagery of Christ wherein he is always depicted with brownish blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin and European features," Giacomotto Vafanculo, chief scientist of the Turin project told the Italian Rai Uno TV station on Monday.

The profound findings will back up the Christian church's assumptions that Jesus was an actual son of God character that actually existed.

"Even though he was Jewish, he didn't look like any Jews of the time, he only looked like a Medieval man in 15th century Europe. I have told the pope myself about this amazing finding, and we will also verify what the little dinosaur footprint at the bottom of the shroud is. I think it could be a Leaellynasaura, because the fibres from the Turin shroud show that Jesus may have had a little pet when he was taken up to heaven then came back, then he went up again. Dang, did I get that right? I mean Jesus died, then they stuck him in a cave, then his body disappeared into the sky when God took his son back," another scientist working on the project revealed.

Just days before Christmas, the scientific Turin Shroud news has been hailed by Christians as a remarkable miracle.

Jim Bob, 45, a pastor at the Dukesboro Baptist Church from Kentucky, USA, said: "This is proof right there. I'm gonna go tell my congregation right now about this news. Praise our lord Jesus Christ, hell, they put him in that shroud and God wanted his son back so his body floated up from the cave. When they opened the cave all they found was the Turin shroud with his exact European features imprinted on the cotton."

Next year, the Italian scientists are planning to dig up a mountain somewhere in the Middle East to find traces of the animals that went in to Noah's Ark two by two.

"Noah got every animal on earth, even insects like mosquitoes and kangaroos, as well as animals only found in the Amazon rainforest, and he got them to go up a ramp into a very big boat. Let's just say, to carry every species of animal, insect and bird, you're gonna need a big, big boat. It was even bigger than Silvio Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga boat and that's saying something," Guido Guadagnino, another scientist on the huge project revealed.