Jamie Oliver's Secret Recipes

LONDON – England – Television chef and obesity campaigner, Jamie Oliver reveals his secret recipes to our readers. Exclusive to the Daily Squib only.

This week only in the Daily Squib and every piece of media known to man including, television, radio, billboards, mobile phones, internet and cinema advertising, you will get to see Jamie Oliver’s fat head slapping around the screen telling you what to eat and do.

“Everywhere I look I see Jamie Oliver and his fat tongue hanging out. This c*nt gets everywhere. Go to the supermarket and half the products have his name and face on it, I can’t buy anything anymore, I flat out refuse to do so. Then I go home and switch on the telly and he’s on there with his fat tongue telling us what to eat and do. Why don’t you go home and shag your neglected wife for a change and take your kids to the park and leave us alone you money grabbing fat tongued fake cockney ponce,” Rob Nesbit, 45, a teacher from East Munters told the BBC.

Jamie Oliver gets everything from Sainsbury’s including his personality and he wants to train everyone in the UK to do the same.

Jamie’s Secret Recipe for the Day

After shopping at Sainsbury’s and getting all the Jamie Oliver brand ingredients go home and get ready to cook.

First get a bucket so the spittle from your fat tongue can be collected and added to the dish later. Then get all the Jamie Oliver branded ingredients and stick them in a bowl.

Pause for a moment as you realise that the money you spent buying the goods will enrich and encourage one of the most annoying c*nts in the history of televisual chef-dom to carry on annoying the population even further.

After you put the ingredients in a bowl, add the bucket of spittle and mix with a whisk until frothy. Add some ‘butta’ and say the word ‘literally’ every few seconds, then serve on a rustic looking faux wood kitchen table and garnish with some Jamie Oliver parsnip grown on an organic sustainable eco sewage heap in some industrial estate in Glasgow.

Next week – another wonderful Jamie Oliver spitting dish served up for your pleasure

  • Trench

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