Deadly Cucumbers Get Revenge on Humanity

A farm worker shows a captured cucumber after it has been cut in half

BILBAO – Spain – They've been sliced, diced and brutally had their skins peeled for too long, but now cucumbers are fighting back on the human population.

 

“These are killer cucumbers. We cannot be complacent here. All it takes is a cucumber in a sandwich or a salad and you’re dead. They’ve got us on the run,” an EU food standards official told Bild newspaper in Germany.

Many have now succumbed to the killer cucumbers and are either still in hospital seriously ill or even worse — dead.

“I swear I heard one of the cucumbers I bought from the supermarket the other day sniggering as I took it out of the bag. Luckily I only ate a few slices of the sucker before I read a news story about all the people getting killed by cucumbers,” Helen Vorgens, a resident of Hamburg, Germany, where over 40 people have died from eating killer cucumbers.

EU officials are now warning citizens about tomatoes.

“Killer cucumbers are evil, but if you add a killer tomato into the mix, you get one fucked up salad,” Josef Rasslinger, the EU’s food minister told Reuters.