TSA Checks for Prostate and Bowel Cancer

"OK it's coming, push, push, push!"

NEW JERSEY – USA – In a much needed positive slant to intrusive extensive TSA body checks, finally some good news.

“Now when you fly through an American airport, we can also give you prostate check for men and also bowel cancer checks. Women will get all cavities checked. This is also part of the new Obama Health Care initiative as well as security for a trouble free flight,” Roger Sanchez, TSA operations director, at Newark airport told CNN.

The TSA which has promoted the new positive medical check story to all media channels, will make sure the new rectal checks will be a key factor with flying Americans when it comes to Thanksgiving.

TSA One Stop Shop

“I’m flying from New York to Phoenix this Thanksgiving, so when I get my rectal check, at least I’ll be safe in the knowledge that I know what’s going on down there plus I won’t have to fork over seventy five bucks for my doctor to do the same thing,” Gerry Harkinson, 65, told CBS news.

“We see things here in the airport that even the most intimate doctor’s probe will scant see, so people should be happy that they’re getting checked in their butt holes,” a TSA official said on Monday before sticking his arm half way up an elderly gentleman’s bottom.

A passenger flying from Newark to Wisconsin said: “I just got my bunghole checked and it’s ok thank god. Now when I go to Thanksgiving and stuff my turkey, I’ll know how that thing feels.”

  • All jokes aside, I'd rather them continue to have detailed inspections than lackadaisical ones. I saw a video recently where a gentleman went to court over being required to show I.D. to get on a plane and he won. We really need to have tight regulations when dealing with airports. Once you're on a plane and off the ground, there isn't much you can do if a breach in security occurs. Better to play it safe even if it can be a pain for travelers.

  • Gordon

    How dim are some of the bulbs who commented before me. TSA wears special gloves designed to pick up nitrates and sulfur compounds. Then they take a pad with a special solvent and wipe the gloves and put the pad into a machine that detects explosives. On the tenth time I went outside to smoke a cigarette, the pad set off a red flashing light and a loud alarm. Agents ran toward me. I said firmly 'False Positive' and the agent replied 'That's what YOU say!' but the next glove wipe pad was put in another machine and passed. I said 'Guess you have to recalibrate the first machine' and he gave me a dirty look and said 'You had better not smoke another cigarette at this airport' and I didn't but only because my flight was boaridng.

  • Bill

    Scuttlebutt has it grammar schools are getting a new training program , TSA Pattycake. Special kids rewarded with neat uniforms, rubber gloves and get to set up hallway security checkpoints. The sky’s the limit. Now the Man Boy Love Assoc. has thrown their full backing behind this innovation and wants to have the the agency fully infiltrated by the time these popular bod-cav searches make it to bus and train stations. The ultimate goal being a touchy feely kiosk on every street corner. You can never be too careful !

  • Chico

    It had to take a Brit website to actually bring up some real issues our media is so closed off

  • Jerry

    Notice the surgical gloves. Is that supposed to protect people from disease, or is it supposed to make the TSA pervert look more like an authority figure? People are more likely to be docile in the face of someone presented to them as an authority figure than someone who isn’t.

  • Tom

    You charge that some people of “being too lazy to do their research” yet throw out entirely unsupported accusations. Matt is accused of working for the TSA, as if no one could possibility have an opinion different from yours unless they are paid off. You incorrectly place Michael Chertoff as head of the TSA. when he is not even in government anymore. Then you accuse the TSA with deploying the new security measures “to intimidate people.” But the only supporting evidence offered is “It’s just common sense.” Evidently that is the extent of your research. Oh, I forgot, you probably listen to Beck, and Rush and Sara, and let them do your “research” for you. To my mind, it might be people like you who elect unqualified people to higher office.

  • Maureen

    Matt probably works for the TSA, which is why he is supporting it. Anyone in the right mind who took the time to investigate the true motivation behind our government and Michael Chertoff would know that this is a tactic employed to intimidate people. It’s just common sense! But unfortunately, it’s people like Matt, and other citizens too lazy to do their research, who vote and elect leaders into office who do not belong there.

  • Fred

    This exchange between Matt and Dennis only proves the Number One Rule of the Internet. That rule is: No matter what you believe, there is always going to be some idjit that will not only disagree with you, but also will call you names and ridicule your intelligence. For every opinion on the Web, there is always one that is the complete opposite of it.

  • Angel

    I do not think being sexually assaulted is for our own good nor are the free porn shows. There are dogs who can sniff out explosives so why are they giving TSA a new pervert’s free for all? Let us all just go in naked and asked to have sex at this point, because I do not see the difference than being violated and these new laws. We boycotted the buses when rights were violated. We should do the same thing to planes. Everyone boycott planes and see what happens. I am for the Thanksgiving opt out day as this is inane and ridiculous!


    For Matt:
    Matt , you are a moron. If you remember, when TSA was advertising for people back in 2001, they boasted, you only need a high school equivelant and some English required. They picked up the dregs of society that couldn’t hold down a job in the private sector if their lives depended on it. They are getting off on their new-found 5 minutes of power every 5 minutes. TSA is nothing short of cheap theater. Their play is to convince you the ignorant flying public that they are watching out for your safety. Nothing could be further from the truth. neither these high priced scanners nor their sexual assault pat-downs can detect an explosive in a body cavity Any major cavity on a human can hold enough PETN to bring down any airliner. Matt, you actually have much more to

  • Matt

    For once a good positive story about the TSA. I’m so mad that the media is against the TSA. They’re just protecting us from the terrorists.