Daily Squib Staff to Man Swine Flu Hotline

"Just shut the f*ck up and listen. You're not going to f*cking die yet!"

LONDON – England – The Daily Squib has won a contract for staffers to man the controversial Swine Flu Hotline during the Swine Flu epidemic.

“Stop being such a stupid hypochondriac twat. Just take an aspirin and you’ll be fine in the f*cking morning. You’ve just got a bloody temparature and sore throat you silly fool,” a Daily Squib staffer shouts down the phone line as another hysterical Swine Flu sufferer calls in.

It’s just another day on the Daily Squib’s Swine Flu Hotline as the staff yell at the freaking out media frenzied callers.

“Someone just called in after reading the Daily Mail,” Joe tells Billy, “Oh, not another one. Put the stupid bugger through then,” the yelling down the phone line begins in earnest as the caller is told to calm down and stop reading the Daily Mail.

“We’re mostly getting Daily Mail readers calling in, obviously they’re so scared that most of them can’t even string a coherent sentence together anymore, they just blubber,” Caroline, who works on the switchboard explains.

On a busy day, callers into the Swine Flu Hotline can number in their thousands, so this is why the Daily Squib has been asked to help, we have the resources and know how to deal with the public in the proper manner.

To call the Swine Flu Hotline dial this number immediately 09999 999 999 – calls will be charged at £75.99/minute – you do not need to ask the bill payers permission