Caught in the iCloud Female Hollywood Celebs in Frenzied Fapocalypse

"Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started."
Robin Williams

"Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started." Robin Williams

LOS ANGELES – USA – Every iCloud has a silver lining, and the last 48 hours have changed the nature of the internet forever.

 

The Daily Squib offices have been on severe lockdown checking out the leaked photos much like everyone else who has an internet connection in the world, invariably these wonderful images will be ingrained in everyone’s collective consciousness for internet icloud eternity.

Naturally, the Daily Squib foresaw the dangers of iCloud in 2011 when it was first introduced. Coupled with the Edward Snowden revelations which we foresaw four years before him, this episode is merely a storm in a teacup. The celebrities in question, if they were ever in the loop, should know that observers in the National Security Agency have been viewing their pictures long before any hacker saw them. It’s simply common knowledge now that every part of the net is accessible by big brother.

If you’re a fan of Downton Abbey’s Jessica Brown Findlay as much as we are, you will be particularly amused by the pic of her being poked in the eye tentatively by a John Thomas as she looks lovingly at it and pouts suggestively. Don’t know what the photos will do to her career but it’s great to see the Brits keeping up the helm?

Kate Upton, some bint off Sports Illustrated shows everyone that she has immaculate lips, her uncle, U.S. Representative Fred Upton (R-MI) must be so proud.

Hunger Games was a great movie, as were the follow ups, and its indomitable star, Jennifer Lawrence seems rather plain in the leaked photos, she is merely another self-obsessed selfie addict with a penchant for splashing her face with milky white dispersions from some lucky guy and putting the pics on the internet, not quite the heroine who gets one up on the ‘Illuminati’ as portrayed in her films.

The photos are celebratory fappings of a Hollywood destroyed by the internet and it’s own banal mediocrity, in an age where nothing is sacred any more, we get a glimpse of stupid stars who are not in control of themselves. Before the internet happened, actresses would be able to secure roles in films by completing their acts of kindness on deal makers anonymously. This gave the actresses a sense that they got the roles for their talent alone, especially in the eyes of the public. The internet era has however cast an altogether different light to how these paragons of opportunity become successful. The Hollywood machine is a much dilapidated industry now, especially when anyone can download any film they want in a few minutes for free.

As the marketing PR men scramble to salvage some semblance of dignity for their now completely unmasked starlets, and twitter scrambles to delete the accounts of the multitude of users spreading the lurid pictures like wildfire, a solitary question arises, why is it not okay to show a seemingly innocent looking media starlet displaying her glorious attributes for the camera and it is perfectly permissible for violent images of crazed jihadists to display their beheading activities? The answer lies within the Anglo world’s hang up on sex and the media’s fear inducing hunger for gratuitous violence. Keep them all in a constant state of fear at all times.

Next time you watch a film with one of these ladies, you may think to yourself throughout the entire film, the whole world has seen your badly packed kebab, but never mind eh, it’s all part of the biz.

The internet is a truly beautiful invention bringing smiles to a lot of people today. Enjoy.

  • Derrick Smalls

    I’m having a fapuccino