Keith Richards Says He’s Going to Survive Glastonbury

GLASTONBURY – England – This year’s Glastonbury festival is going to be a real stonker, and Keith Richards is determined to survive it.

“If I can stay alive for three more days during the festival and not croak it will be a serious bonus for me,” the frazzled old rocker told the Glasto Times.

Keith Richards is a marvel of medical science and has ingested more drugs than the entire subcontinent of North America.

The Rolling Stone’s personal physician, Doctor Louis Cypher revealed the secrets of the guitar legend’s longevity: “In the mornings we pump his veins with copious amounts of narcotics, we’re talking quantities that could make a herd of elephants drop dead. That gets him out of bed. Then when it’s lunch time he has a full blood transplant where we replace his system with fresh Bourbon. He’s ready to go then.”