CALAIS – France – Former pop star who was educated at a top private school yet spoke in a mockney accent and pretended to be one of the people, has sold her four luxury homes so she can go and live in the Calais jungle.
“It don’t matter that these economic migrants walked into France thanks to the Schengen zone and it is the French authorities’ responsibility to look after them, I’m a champagne socialist innit. I sold me four luxury homes, one of which was in Highgate, and anuvah in Primrose Hill. Nah, I wanna build a mansion in the jungle so I can watch over the migrants. I’ll be their camp boss, ya know like Schindler’s List, the camp head honcho who likes nothing but to shoot from his mansion on top of the hill. I’ll be their saviour a Mother Allen.”
Preparations have already been made for Lily Allen, and a team of Romanian gangsters, people smugglers and builders have accepted her cash to build her a nice little box in the jungle, it will have a corrugated iron roof, and a solid mud floor.
“She say she wanna be one of us. We build jungle mansion for her for good price. She give us the money, it now in Bucharest, and then I transfer to my account in Lake Lugano, and then we present her with her shack she want so bad. She gonna love it. We even install toilet for her, it nice hole in ground. She will never see her millions again. Stupid cunt, innit,” one of the jungle’s camp organisers revealed.
Well, that’s the end of Lily Allen then, and it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time. One can only hope she meets a terrible end in a few days or weeks, hopefully dysentery or a well deserved mugging replete with a full gutting session.