Hopefully Katie Price can bring some much needed glamour to the pop world
ESSEX – England – Record bosses were preparing for a windfall in sales this summer as Katie Price, a.k.a Jordan prepared to get into the recording studio for her pop debut release.
Jordan’s not just good at getting her silicon breasts out at every opportunity or baring all on reality shows and horseriding, she has done it all and has now set her sights on the music business.
“Jordan is a very talented singer, just last week we got her to sing in the studio’s kitchen area and the milk in the fridge actually curdled. It was amazing, we were out of yoghurt that day and suddenly we had some. She’s also very good for peeling paint on the walls, and even wallpaper. We cut our renovation costs by just having her in and singing. The only problem is that her singing can be fatal to animals, our studio engineer had brought his pet hamster, Larry, into the session on the way to the vets, but by the end sadly poor Larry had passed away, in fact, his poor little eardrums had burst,” the new Jordan album’s producer, Tony Jenkins told Melody Maker magazine.
Recording engineers have figured out how to record the model without causing permanent damage to their hearing by wearing industrial earbuds and mufflers so that they never hear the sound of her voice. The recording process is completed away from the studio by looking at audio levels through digital equalisers thus removing the need to listen to Ms Price’s blood curdling singing.
“If Lily Allen can do it, why can’t Jordan? The ‘music biz’ is awash with talentless female acts who look good and flash their bodies so Jordan won’t be anything different. The only problem we can foresee is that she’s getting too old now, she looks like a wrinkled old prune with her fake orange tan and trout mouth. She’s also extremely stupid, like her IQ has been measured at below 43, which is considered retarded by most medical standards,” her agent told Heat magazine.
Despite being retarded, talentless, and vulgar in every way, Jordan is still a role model to millions of British women and owing to her success in modelling she is now worth over £36 million.
Her ardent fans are said to be awaiting the new album, which should be released by the end of the summer. Amy, 25, from Manchester said: “I can’t wait to buy the new album of Katie Price singing. I’ve been wanting to strip the paint off my banisters for a long time now. All I will do is put her songs on the tape machine, go out to the shops and when I come back it should all be done!”
Jordan’s debut album will be released in August on Jive Records.