Jade Goody: 'I'm Having a Lobotomy to Improve my IQ'

Surgeons at the Royal Farringdon Hospital in London have been studying their subject, Jade Goody, for three weeks now and have marvelled at her level of intelligence.

"Jade Goody has the intelligence level of a retarded dog. It is truly amazing to see a grown woman who has been catapulted into fame the way she has been who still does not know anything. She has exhibited ignorance on a grand scale and is an anomaly to the human race and medical science," Dr. Winston Churchill told a group of physicians today.

The team of doctors studied her cognitive skills as well as her ability to integrate the internal and external world through experience. Jade was also tested with chimpanzees wherein she was surpassed in each and every test. The chimpanzees even mocked her stupidity at one point.

"On the seventh day we conducted a brain scan on Ms Goody and found significant evidence to determine that her brain is actually smaller than most mammal brains including dogs and cats," Chief Professor of Neurology, Arthur B De Mille outlined.

Jade Goody herself is not aware of her intelligence level and if she was conscious of it this would imply a form of intelligence -- she has even stated to bewildered doctors that she is "superior to most other adult humans."

"Her actions in public and in Essex nightclubs are a clear indication of her low intelligence. Although the places she does frequent are full of like-minded people, she still stands out from them with her extreme levels of stupidity. Jade has asked the doctors to look into her problem and she has been advised to get a lobotomy operation to improve her IQ level of 18 by maybe 2 or 3 points. For most people having a lobotomy would hinder their brain process. However, for someone like Jade Goody, it simplifies her tiny brain's operation even further and removes all the other 'troublesome' thoughts that may clutter her low capacity mind," her spokesman Kevin Albright told BBC 6 news on Thursday.

After Jade Goody receives her preliminary frontal lobotomy she will be allowed to convalesce in the grounds of the Hospital for a week and then she can go back home to Essex.