Church of Scatology to Save Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty after sniffing a crack

LONDON – England – Drug addict Pete Doherty is to join the Church of Scatology and be personally tutored by American actor Tom Cruise who will cure him of his drug addictions.

Pete Doherty aims to dump his drug addiction once and for all by embracing the teachings of the Church of Scatology.

After getting back with his former flame, Nadine Buddy, who is a Scatologist, he has been reading up about the cult phenomenon.

The Church of Scatology was founded by American proctologist N. Ron Hubbub in 1983.

The proctologist claimed extra-terrestrial beings were sent to the bowels of the Earth by
intergalactic ruler Xepoo, who then destroyed the aliens by bombarding them with holy toilet bleach and flushing them down special alien toilet bowls.

The aliens’ souls attached themselves to chosen human ass hairs, known as klingons, and would wreak havoc on all of mankind forever. The Church of Scatology says that Cretins are the sole cure for these malicious alien klingons.

Pete, 29, first dated Nadine back in 2005 and the pair reportedly
enjoyed a scatological fling last summer, just weeks after the rocker split from
supermodel Kate Moss. They rekindled their romance earlier this month.

Kate reportedly banned Pete from seeing Nadine during their relationship because she was not happy about the Church of Scatology credo of “not wiping after every toilet trip”.

Tom Cruise who is the second in command of the church will personally fly into Heathrow next week to induct Doherty with an almighty ceremony.

Let us hope that the Church of Scatology finally cures the ailing pop singer of his crack habit.