Britney Spears to be Exorcised LIVE on MTV

Britney has to be chained to the floor or she levitates out the window

LOS ANGELES – CA – The Vatican is today sending an emissary deep from within the catacombs of the Holy See to LA for a never before seen extravaganza which will be filmed LIVE on MTV.

Britney Spears the ailing autotune celebrity has been ordered by the Catholic church and her keepers to undergo an exorcism.

The once-in-a-lifetime experience will be filmed live on MTV and broadcast all over the world.

After having 12 highly public nervous breakdowns in January, Ms Spears is slowly reducing the monthly frequency of her breakdowns from a high of 34 in December.

Pope Benedict himself has intervened on this sensitive matter and has ordered his chief exorcist to complete the harrowing task of casting out the devil and satan’s demons from Britney.

Britney has already tried the typical celebrity wishy-washy cults like Scientology and Madonna’s celebrity perversion of the real Kaballah, but these only perpetuated her illness and made her even more sick than she already is.

The Clenbuterol worked for awhile but the crystal meth and cocaine was a bridge too far. The rehab did not work and having the starlet chained down in an ambulance did not restrain her.

Adnan Ghalib, her paparazzi boyfriend, fears for his subject and has concerns that she may not complete her contractual obligations with him if the demons are not cast out soon.

 


“It’s Britney, bitches.”

 

“Her room is always very cold and there is a frost in the air. She speaks with many tongues, including a fake British accent and she levitates every few seconds. I am sick of the pea soup that is projectile vomited from her cussing mouth. Her eyes are red – is that normal?”

The Daily Squib reporter, Ebner Pazuzu, accompanied Ghalib and a bodyguard into the ailing celebrities room when she started speaking an ancient British dialect called ‘mockney’. After levitating above the bed for a few minutes, Britney regurgitated fifteen bags worth of Cheetos and a Starbucks Mocha with extra chocolate sprinkles onto our terrified reporter. Our reporter has since been given compassionate leave.

“She then started to walk down the stairs backwards on all fours. At first we thought she was practising a dance routine for a performance but when her head made a 360 degree turn we knew this was something else.”

MTV will broadcast the LIVE Exorcism this Friday at 8pm PST.

  • TT

    It was that scumbag psychopath Federline that did it. She actually looked fairly normal until she met him. Then he started to step all over her to jumpstart his $$.

    Gaslight. Stockholm. It is all real. So is the acting out part. Which is just Britney’s version of Going Postal.

    Basically so-called normal people like Britney cannot understand pure depraved evil. Ask any evil person to tell you the truth. They will probably tell you Federline did it. It Works!! People are that weak. Reality is that tenuous.

  • Jeffrey Seelman

    Dear Daily Squib,

    Although usually not reported to the news media, paid exorcisms carried out by independent exorcists is really quite common. When tenants move into a new home, business, or apartment, emotional energies from past occupants may have accumulated in the environment. Negative emotional energies from past events may also affect the current atmosphere. Spirits can be attracted or attached by past events, and may require professional intervention in the form of an exorcism. Modern exorcism must include the removal of built-up negative emotional energies as well as unwanted or

  • Zoe

    This is INSANE! Are these people freaking kidding? Oh well, I guess it’s worth a shot. At this point any help that Brinsanity Spears can get is probably a good thing….DEMON BE GONE (Smacks Brit’s forehead like a televangelist) LOL.