Celebrity Rehab

Scenes from the abyss

Malibu CA – Dark sordid tales from the rehab dungeons of D-List celebrity hell. There’s a celebrity mentalist on the loose! Never fear help is at hand.

Dr. Frankenheimer of the Celebrity Institute of Rehabilitation Labs Inc. in Malibu California has operated on many patients in his time as an esteemed member of the Institute.

‘Terminal attention seeking Disorder’, ‘Paparazzi hungry media whore Syndrome’ and ‘Hey look at me I’m famous for sucking the right peep syndrome’ are all D-list celebrity success ploys he has thus treated.

Amongst the many clients he has counselled – the glamour star ‘lazy left eye’ Paris Hilton who has got her lizard-like claws into most facets of worldwide media, a former boy band member or two and other minor ‘celebrities’.

  Dr. Frankenheimer’s many techniques for treatment include debasement and ego tenderizing examinations. These groundbreaking medical sessions involve bringing the deluded ‘celebrities’ back down to earth from their false-fame aspirations to reveal their true selves.

A routine treatment involves the minor ‘celebrity’ be strapped to a chair and forced to listen to their own music or watch video footage of themselves for 48 hours straight at high decibel levels. The D-List ‘stars’ will then be further naturalized by having members of the medical team urinate on them from approximately 10 feet above their cell mattress.

These are an integral process for the institute and have proved so successful that the programs are now being integrated within the world of American Politics where there are many who are masquerading as something they are not – ‘Statesman’. 


Dr Frankenheimer’s thesis is one taken straight from the text book of a future Nobel Laureate.

After five days of having former ‘pop star’ Robbie Williams anally raped by three convicts on parole, Dr Frankenheimer had to up the scale because he found that some patients actually enjoyed being “butt mashed” by convicts.

The next level was to have Williams placed in a courtyard with some young ladies in short skirts and this was a truly repulsive task for Williams resulting in a weight loss program from running.


Naturally, waiting lists for treatment are currently three years behind for the ground breaking cure. Costs are in the region of $6,000 per day for an 8 by 4 cell and the brochure states that one must be a minor ‘D-Listed Celebrity’ to join.

As most people who are in the media light at the moment fall under this bracket there is a huge demand. The many Rehab clinics for ‘Celebrities’ that have sprung up all over California have attempted to capitalise on Dr Frankenheimer’s success but none have the same pulling power.


Soon to be released Robbie Williams

“I needed help and the doc got it for me.” Exclaims Mr Williams as he fondles his pet Chihuahua in the holding cell. “There was no hope left, I actually thought I was a talented musician and star.”

It seems he now knows what he really is – A moribund working-mans-club ex boyband twink.

“To get to the top I had to please a lot of managers and executives, my knee pads were wearing out and I must’ve gulped big wads of ‘success juice’.”

A recovering ‘D-Lister’ Williams now holds court in his cell and when it is lunch time eats his mush with pride. Williams looks up at me from his recently soiled mattress and says poignantly.

“I am now ready to go back out and take my true place – as a dustman for Greater Manchester Council.”

All Hell Breaks Loose


Jay Kay from the ailing pop act ‘Jamiroquai’ checks into the lab as I interview the talented doctor and immediately a cordon of nurses and security men descend upon the little ‘pop star’.

There is a commotion as the deluded star assumes they are paparazzi and his fans when in fact they are not holding cameras but restraining equipment including a large straight jacket.

I nod at the doctor and show my approval, it has been a long time coming.



Deluded and violent Jay Kay of
Jamiroquai is led to his cell


Looking upon the plaque on the wall in the admissions centre, it is plain to see that the clientele list is a veritable ‘who’s who’ of ‘stars’ from the 90’s onward.

It is not surprising to see such luminaries as Simon Cowell, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie, these are par for the course as well as distinguished alumni like Fred Durst and Black Eyed Peas.


Lindsay Lohan who is a regular at the
Celebrity Institute of Rehabilitation Labs Inc.

The list is immense and a commemoration rivaling the rosta of a cheap ego stroking benefits concert for poor people in Africa.

It is safe to say that the institute has an endless supply of talentless hacks to deck their illustrious blood and vomit soaked walls.