CHELTENHAM – England – God has sent a message to the Church saying he wants the Ten Commandments rewritten in the style of short term loan shark company Wonga.
“I was in the vestry and I heard a voice in my head from God. He said that I have to rewrite the ten commandments. I walked out of the church to see if I was OK when I saw the burning cash machine outside Natwest on the High Street and heard the voice again..” Reverend Bill Sykes, for Dimplebury parish church near Cheltenham, told the BBC.
And God spake all these words, saying, I am the Wonga thy God, which have brought thee out of the debt, out of the house of bondage and into even more debt and bondage.
The Ten Wonga Commandments
1. Thou shalt have no other Wonga before Wonga at anything below 5879% APR.
2. Thou shalt pay back your Wonga henchmen at extortionate rates in the allotted time or so help me Wonga we will break your kneecaps and increase the APR rate at an exponential escalating level that will result in a loan of £100 soon becoming £65,000 in a two week period.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Wonga thy God in vain; for Wonga will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. We’ll just break your fu**ing kneecaps.
4. Remember the payment day, to keep in line with payments. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day thou shalt work even harder to pay thy Wonga loan at a variable rate of 6485% APR: although Wonga is unscrupelous and will at any opportunity seek to loan money to the unemployed at APR levels bordering on criminality.
5. Thou shalt be provided with a heavenly Wonga answer in seconds and, if approved, Wonga shall send the cash to your bank within 15 minutes. That makes Wonga the fastest and only genuine 24/7 lender in the heavens.
6. Thou shalt kill if necessary to pay back your Wonga loan. It’s either some other poor bastard or you.
7. Thou shalt commit adultery to pay back your Wonga loan, or prostitution, pimping, drug dealing, contract hits or become a politician. Whatever is necessary to pay back the extortionate APR levels. Remember time is ticking away every second of the Wonga day.
8. Thou shalt steal to pay back your Wonga paymaster.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness in court if it ever gets to that against thy Wonga. Remember we have your full address and details and can trace you wherever thou shalt run to.
10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt covet thy neighbour’s wife, his Tuscan holiday, his Audi TT, his playstation 3, his 3D TV, pretty much any thing that is thy neighbour’s. That’s why you need a Wonga loan at 4600% APR right now you stupid covetous moron. Just click to apply.