U.S. Authorities Take $1.9 Billion Cut From HSBC

NEW YORK – USA – The U.S. Government is taking its cut of $1.9 billion from HSBC who they say profited from crime and money laundering.

“They were bad because they profited from crime and took a cut of the proceeds of that shit, so we, the U.S. government are gonna do the same. Our cut is $1.9 billion and after that we’re just gonna pretend that none of this happened. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?” Arthur Pendergrass, one of the U.S. Federal investigators told CBS Business news on Monday.

Another U.S. financial regulator said: “This is incredible, like we caught HSBC, and we said OK, where’s our cut? You think for one second we never knew what was going on from the beginning? They at first tried to get out of it, but we said, hey look what we did to BP? You Brits think you can get away with all this huh? Hand over the $1.9 billion and shut the hell up.”

It seems that crime really does pay after all, that is according to the U.S. government.