Woolworths Consigned to the Bargain Bucket of Recession Britain

R.I.P Woolies

LONDON – England – Britain’s shoplifters are in mourning today at the loss of a well loved British High Street institution.

“I’ve been pilfering sweets from the pick’n’mix counter since I was a lil bairn,” Lee Chavvard from Maidenhead revealed.

As he sifts through the closing down sale he stuffs a few Robbie Williams cd’s from the bargain bucket into his tracksuit bottoms.

The closing down sales have attracted dedicated shoplifters from all over the country for one last nostalgic stealing session.

Ryan, 11, has been stealing from Woolworths since he was two years old: “The first thing I ever nicked was a pack of mars bars and a bouncy ball, my mum taught me how to do it and we would go there every week for many years.”

Shoplifters from all over the UK congregated outside the Woolworths flagship store and conducted a silent candle lit vigil yesterday. As a gesture of appreciation to Woolworths they converged on the store and cleaned it out completely, including the light fixtures and shelving units.

“I’ve still got a tear in me eye, it’s bloody heartbreaking it is. I’ve been stealing from this store for thirty long years. I’ve got nowhere else to go now,” a tearful Beryl Tweedy from Slough told the Daily Squib.