Banks to Diversify by Selling Groceries

"I'll 'ave some grapes with my credit facilities please Miss"

LONDON – England – Hard hit banks are finding new ways to raise cash in these hard ‘credit crunch’ times.

Some of the banks who will now be selling everyday groceries to the public are barely teetering on the edge of the financial chasm.

After the Northern Rock, Bradford and Bingley banks were bailed out by the taxpayer to the tune of £300 billion in total, Labour has advised hard up banks to find other ways of raising funds because the public purse is so empty.

“We aim to sell fresh fruit and vegetables to the public from next month. So you can go cash a cheque or pay your mortgage and buy a prize marrow or some aubergines while you’re at it. We will be selling our own brand of coffee next week and you can also get your stamps here as well,” Earl Ponser , Finance Director for Lloyds TSB Halifax Bank told reporters at an opening ceremony at the flagship branch in central London.

“Three carrots for a pound”

Gone are the days of walking into a bank and seeing an orderly queue waiting for service. Banks in England are now lively affairs with bustling crowds and the electronic plinking noise of cash registers fanning out of buildings.

We asked one customer what he thought of the new service: “I like it. I used to dread going to the bank but now you can’t get me out. Where else can you arrange a new overdraft and buy a bag of potatoes to lug home for your supper? Next they’ll be selling cheap clothing from China and plastic trinkets that break after a few days, I actually had to blink when I walked in the other day because I thought I had walked into my local Tesco.”

In America, many banks are now offering customers the option to buy guns in their branches. Washington based bank, Washington Mutual has opened gun stores in all of their 354 branches in Washington state.

“Since the credit crunch has hit we had to diversify our business. We all know how Americans love their guns so we decided that gun shops are the best way you earn extra cash. You can come in the morning, do your banking business, then purchase an Uzi 9mm and be on your way,” John McCready, Marketing manager for Washington Mutual revealed.

Selling guns in a bank may not be such a great idea because since the new gun shops have been installed in banks last week there has been an increase of 76% of armed robberies in that state.

  • analyst

    In this scenario, will there be mass migrations to the Land of Opportunities again? Most of the billions are now for the Amerikan Dream rhetorics ?

    And, since Europe will be doomed and gloomed ?

    So where are the collaterals ?

    Of Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves ?

    One TV channel always say The World is Awesome !

  • John

    Hummm…somehow I don’t think that selling guns in a bank of all places is such a good idea. Who thought of that one? Gee, no wonder they got into so much financial trouble to begin with. This is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever heard of.