Dow Jones Head Rubbing Lice Epidemic

A mass scratching and head rubbing frenzy on the trading floor

NEW YORK – Wall Street was inundated by a mass of traders rubbing their heads yesterday because of a lice infestation. Fumigators were called in before the closing bell to the relief of floor managers and traders.

NEW YORK (AP) – Wall Street suffered one of its worst cases of lice infestation of 2007
Thursday. Trading bosses in the pit were frantic as they rubbed their sore heads which were itching incessantly. Some traders who do not even have any hair were itching too as the lice attacked their bald heads.

There was no relief as the lice broke through at lunchtime and peaked before subsiding slightly towards the closing bell.

John Camino who trades S&P futures recounts “One minute I was slapping $350,000 worth of contract going long, next minute my scalp is itching like a motherf*cker!”

The next three seconds was crucial for John because he lost all the money and the margin call tag was a hefty $750,000.

Margin call for trader
John Camino as he rubs his head

He walked away rubbing his bald ‘noggin’ and muttering something about someone giving him some concrete shoes and having a dip in the Hudson.


Head lice are very resilient creatures and it seems they infested the Wall Street floor after Nick Nolte the ailing Hollywood actor opened trading on Thursday by gracing the podium with his presence.


Nick Nolte at the podium for the NYSE opening Thursday


“I had just bought 300 Soy contracts for September at a cost of $2 million when I felt an itching sensation on my head, instead of selling when the market went up and making a profit of $500,000 I was distracted by the itching and made a loss of $956,000,” a woeful James Cyrus Bean recounts still rubbing his sore head.

Losses for the day extended to a monster 34 trillion dollars being wiped off the slate.

By lunchtime the head rubbing was so intense that some bald traders were creating sparks from their sore scalps.


Peter Serrano rubs his head full of
lice and promptly loses $500,000


At 3.00 pm a full hour before the close there were desperate calls for fumigators to be brought in and to gas the lice to death.

Pit bosses yelled frantically as they themselves scratched their scalps uncontrollably.

It was no use the Dow was dropping by the second and wiping whole careers out. By the time the fumigators had arrived the Dow was down 550 points.


Even traders with no hair were attacked by the lice


By the days close everyone on the NYSE had taken a major hit. The fumigators were in and so were the liquidators.

This ‘lice-fest’ of course was a wonderful opportunity to buy at the bottom.


A distraught trader rubs his lice ridden forehead

Whoever engineered the bell ringing by utilising the lice-ridden Hollywood star Nick Nolte I am sure made a handsome sum.


The flea bitten star was not able to comment on lice allegations from his Hollywood retreat – a cardboard box under a freeway bridge in downtown Los Angeles.