Masturbation Could Boost Your Intellect

Researchers found that increased levels of frantic masturbation, could help keep our brains in top condition as we age.

The findings suggest that even in retirement 'bashing the bishop' could boost your brain's ability to stay active later in life.

Scientists at the University of Salford discovered that masturbating at least three or four times daily is directly linked to improved mental ability in middle-aged and older men.

"Our findings are further proof that there is a hotwire directly from your genitals straight to your frontal cortex in your brain. Through our extensive research we have assertained that if you 'jack off' daily you will not only live longer but you will also increase your brain capacity and intelligence levels. I myself am a complete and utter genius. Yes, we're talking at least eight times a day and I'm 57 years old," Professor Meat Johnsons, from Salford's School of Translational Medicine explained in the studies findings.

The study, published in the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry, compared the brain agility of 23,136 wankers aged 25 to 79 at eight test centres across Europe.

They were tested for memory and speed of recollection as well as for mood and physical activity levels as well as wrist strength, all of which add up to overall agility.

"Some of the participants of the tests are seasoned wankers and have very well developed forearm muscles. So it is not only mental agility that is increased but the arms the subjects used to masturbate with were overdeveloped and in some cases their arms were out of proportion with the rest of their bodies," Professor Johnsons said.

The researchers found that men who masturbated more than three times daily performed consistently better mentally than those who either abstained or masturbated less.

"We just put them in the clinical study areas, shipped in a shitload of porn and let them get on with it in their cubicles. The sound was absolutely deafening and the nurses nearly ran out of tissues and vaseline at one stage. But we eventually collated enough data to understand the patterns associated with gross levels of masturbation and increased intelligence," Professor Johnsons added.

There were even some celebrities on hand to assist in the study, namely Jacqui Smith's husband, Richard Timney; tiddley wink champion, Russell Brand and of course the wanker extraordinaire, Jonathan Woss. These subjects, however were anomalies within the study because even though they were wankers of the highest degree, they showed no sign of intelligence whatsoever.

The researchers do not know exactly how masturbation and mental agility may be connected but said the remarkable findings may finally bring a glimmer of hope into understanding the utter genius of the Daily Squib writing and editorial team.