Peter Andre and Jordan to be Shot Up into Outer Space

October 28th, 2009

by Guido Rastapopulus

..and don't come back!

BRUSSELS - Belgium - Finally, an EU directive that may be deemed as useful for a change. Soppy pop mimer, Peter Andre and bloated silicon-titted ego monster, Jordan, aka Katie Price, are to be blasted inside separate rockets, on a one way trip into outer space.

In a bid to save the planet from the pollution of their being, EU leaders have decided it is the best thing for humanity to have these two soulless, banal bores who are clogging up the world's media every minute of the day, shot into the far regions of the galaxy.

Speaking from the White House, President Obama, made the joyous announcement: "Our British friends have begged for our help in this matter and we have obliged. We do not know who these non-entities are in the US but we have been told that they are a bunch of utter wankers. For humanities sake and the sanity of the planet, I have ordered NASA to shoot these two awful attention-seeking moribund talentless turds into the far reaches of the universe. They shall be space junk, travelling egos of falsitude. Maybe, they shall encounter new life forms out there but I fucking doubt it but if they do -- let's hope the aliens conduct horrendous experiments upon their D-list celebrity bodies. The aliens will however be disappointed if they try and delve into their pitiful minds because they will not find a morsel of intelligence between the two."

After Obama's announcement there were jubilant celebrations across the globe.

"Here in Essex we feel we have lost one of our own, but it's for the best innit?" Dina Fellatio, a 25 year old hairdresser from Chesney told a local radio station.

The rockets that will propel the two celebrities into space will travel at over 3000 mph and the trajectories have been set so that the rockets will travel in opposite directions. The specially designed space-crafts (coffins) will then travel through space for the next thousand odd years.

"Katie's rocket will have pink fluffy dice in it, a good selection of 12" dildos as well as a bucketload of orange skin dye and her favourite trash mags with her scowling botoxed face plastered over them. Peter's rocket will be decked out with his crappy autotuned banal r&b 'music' so he can travel into oblivion listening to the sound of his turgid greasy saccharin excreta until the oxygen in the craft finally runs out," a Cape Canaveral NASA employee told the BBC after the important announcement was made yesterday.

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